Thursday, August 31, 2017
Hunger, Part X
Craving has a bad reputation, and some of that is deserved, but when really studied, it's an important part of hunger.
A couple of months ago I met a friend at a restaurant that serves food native to India. We had a lovely dinner, staying for three and a half hours, eating amazing food, catching up. For weeks after, I kept thinking about returning to the place, but it is on the other side of town from my office and just didn't work out. Finally, two weeks ago, I was off from work, and I thought, I want to go there. And I did. This satisfied my craving, and while I'll go back as soon as possible, I don't think of the food almost daily now.
Craving is sometimes a message from our bodies about something it needs. A few weeks ago, a co-worker gave me two tomatoes. They were so sweet and delicious, and I wanted more, so I went to the Farmers' Market again after a few years of missing it because I couldn't seem to get my behind out the door on Saturday morning before starting the rest of my day. Over this time, I've bought pounds and pounds of tomatoes. They sometimes went into dishes I cooked, but most of them were sliced and eaten as they were (maybe a bit of sea salt). A friend told me my body might be craving iron from them, and she may have been right. I also think I craved the deliciousness of real tomatoes, not the tasteless things that pass for them at the grocery. My body craved their goodness, including taste and nutrition.
Craving is hard to ignore and best not to sometimes, at least for very long, because it can turn into a binge (and hence the bad rep). I want to be careful and not get into the diet industry's words here, but by this I mean something out-of-control or over-the-top. If I crave something for a few days, I'm trying now to have it within a reasonable time and quantity.
Tomorrow, I'll write about deprivation, which can turn craving into a monster.
Wednesday, August 30, 2017
Hunger, Part IX
Last night I saw a documentary about Wendell Berry's work and what has happened to farmers in America. I'm not a farmer or even a gardener. One summer two decades ago, I grew tomatoes and flowers, and I'll admit that I grew to resent the time that took from my other passions. I do sometimes wonder, though, if I might take more interest later in life like my father did after his retirement. Until he physically couldn't any longer, he grew tomatoes all summer, one crop after another off his carport. And he grew beautiful flowers. I do respect farmers and gardeners, and I, as readers know, am back to supporting my local farmers' market. I still hope the family farm can be saved, and I know part of that will come with renewed respect for the land.
I'm a person of contradiction. I love cities and cannot live in a rural area, but I realized last night that I have made a great compromise. My home is in a small city and is generally very quiet inside, but I travel to one of two larger cities (one is an hour's drive away, the other two hours) several times a year, and this year I'm going back to New York City. Circumstances have kept me from there for five long years, and I'm making that happen. I get energy that will last me months, and I give my energy in return. I'm also thinking I want to explore parks in my small city when temperatures cool. When I lived in the largest of those two cities I mentioned, I visited a park there, fed the ducks, walked around the pond, sat in a swing and read. I have recently remembered that and started missing it. I don't think you'll read about me walking in the woods, however. That scares me more than some side streets or the traffic in large cities. ;-)
But hunger...
The images and words of the documentary, along with an ill-advised cup of coffee ordered too late in the day, kept me awake far past midnight and brought restless sleep. I hungered for many things, including for quiet and peace, for the city I love and to travel to another city I want to visit so badly, and for the time and structure to do the work I truly wish to do. These are not new hungers--this has been coming. But last night this hunger, these needs (for they are needs, not wishes) burned, not in my stomach but in my soul. Some of the work I'm doing now will allow the necessary changes, and in fact already does more than a year ago. I'm starting to realize also why I need these in my life and how important satisfying these hungers is to my happiness. This hunger, I think, is fueling my others, for in dealing with those, I create time for these.
Tuesday, August 29, 2017
Hunger, Part VIII
When the word hunger comes up, most of us think about a need for food, perhaps a dire need. That's understandable. It is, after all, the definition in the dictionary. I read somewhere once that if you're not hungry enough to eat an apple, you're not hungry. That's a great soundbite, but one shouldn't get so hungry that an apple, if not otherwise a favorite choice, is considered the only choice. This isn't, in my opinion, a good measurement of hunger.
Today's blog isn't about the kind of hunger that gnaws at your insides. It's about hunger for quality food, for food well-prepared with good ingredients. While I cook a lot at home and am learning more about using spices and herbs, I still find my best meals in restaurants. Recently I've tried two I'd never gone to. One serves dishes native to India, the other Thailand. Both were delicious. and I have or will return. I also have a place that serves the best black-bean burger in town and another that has the best salad bar. I don't tend to order salads when out. I make a lot of those at home, and I've noticed that often the calorie and fat count in a restaurant salad rivals that of heartier food that will fill me up more. With the salad bar I mentioned, though, I have a variety I cannot possibly carry in my home and can make good choices.
Restaurants get a lot of bad word regarding large portion size. There are ways around this. I can sometimes share a meal (though this is rare since I stopped eating most meat) or take leftovers home for lunch the next day. This makes a restaurant less wasteful and cost prohibitive.
But again, this kind of hunger is about eating something so good, my mouth is saying mmmmm before I've even put the fork inside my mouth (the nose already recognizes the quality). To not feel deprived, to mix things up, I go to restaurants two to three times a week on average. Having well-prepared, well-flavored foods served to me is a treat and a great pleasure.
And along the way, I'm learning to cook more flavorable foods also. Eating healthy shouldn't be deprived eating.
Monday, August 28, 2017
Hunger, Part VII
"My father believes hunger is in the mind. I know differently. I know that hunger is in the mind and the body and the heart and the soul." --Roxane Gay, Hunger
This quote first came to me via a Facebook post. Late yesterday, I came across it in the memoir.
Hunger, indeed, is in the mind and body and the heart and the soul. And while it is often seen as bad, it's actually good. Without hunger, we'd starve. Without hunger, there would be no knowledge. Without hunger, there would be no love and no deep truths. It's when hunger is seen as something to fear, to fight, to hate, when it's ignored, that it's dark side shows. But hunger listened to, hunger embraced, that can bring health and healing, happiness and even joy--and much light.
Saturday, August 26, 2017
Hunger, Part VI
Yesterday, I wrote about spiritual hunger. Today, I'm going to take another big step and write about desire as hunger. This isn't the desire for material things, though having at least the minimum of security in our lives is important. After that, we move on up Maslow's hierarchy of needs, and that takes me to love, creativity, and happiness (or should I say joy?). A hunger for this higher sense of life is real, and the denial of it, whether self-inflicted or by someone else, is also real and causes a person to get stuck.
How do we get unstuck?
We make one small change and then another small change. Eventually, we make bigger changes. We put ourselves out there. In the past few weeks, I've started this blog. I've gone to the grocery and/or Farmers' Market weekly. I've been prepared for meals taken away from home. I've received an award, going up to a stage in front of hundreds of people and having my photo taken. I've worked on a room that needed work and taken steps necessary to organize my computer files. I've spoken my truth. I did some training to make my part-time job a bit more efficient. Now, I have a short story nearly ready to be submitted and am about to send queries to agents for my novel. I submitted a proposal to give a lecture in November, and it was accepted (yikes, now I have to research, write, and practice). Small changes. Small steps.
I'd felt stuck for a long time. I am fearful of getting stuck again, I'll admit. But these small changes are causing ripples, and I'm not sure I can go back now. I don't want to be stuck ever again and especially not for as long as I was.
My goals are love, creativity, and joy (yes, I said it). Forward.
Hunger, Part V
This blog isn't just about food, eating, and weight. My intention for this blog is a more holistic approach, and today's hunger fits that well.
Hunger can be spiritual.
I'm not about to get all preachy or religious on anyone. I don't try to prescribe what someone should believe. But I do think that a lack of something spiritual, as a person defines their own beliefs, can cause an emptiness that masquerades as physical hunger. Figuring out what those beliefs are is imperative for most of us, as is not taking on someone else's dogma. Finding one's own path is the way to wholeness.
I pretty sure I'll be posting more about spirituality as this blog moves forward, but for today, I just want to mention this type of hunger and plant that seed. It is a first step in filling a chasm in the body that cannot be filled with food, not for long at least.
Friday, August 25, 2017
Hunger, Part IV
Sometimes hunger isn't hunger; it's thirst. But how do you know? Follow the signs with these cues from Livestrong.
- Hunger: weakness, irritability or moodiness, stomach rumbling, and feeling empty. True hunger is felt gradually (that is, if you're paying attention to your body).
- Thirst: dry eyes, headache, sluggishness, nausea, dizziness, dry skin, and constipation. Dark yellow urine and a dry mouth are signs of dehydration.
- Eat at regular intervals, probably of about four hours each, but some people find smaller, more frequent eating is best for them and others have to follow someone else's clock so a snack between meals at longer intervals might be helpful.
- Drink water frequently throughout the day. Don't get thirsty, because that's a first sign of dehydration already starting. The recommended amount of water per day is 64 ounces, but more will probably be needed if you're working out or in a very hot environment.
If I'm feeling hungry, I can first compare my hunger to the last time I ate. An hour or two ago? I am probably not hungry but I can try a snack to see. If five hours, I'm almost-certainly hungry.
If I eat a snack and food doesn't help, however, that's a sign I'm probably thirsty. After drinking a glass of water (about 8 ounces) and waiting 15 minutes, I can determine if I'm still hungry. Is my stomach still growling? Or am I now satisfied? Is my headache or fatigue gone?
This can be new territory, even for someone like me who has known that sometimes thirst masquerades as hunger. Having this information is one thing; using it is another. But when considering feelings of hunger, thirst cannot be discarded as a reason. And that's worth remembering before piling on a lot of food that won't satiate the hunger being felt.
Thursday, August 24, 2017
Hunger, Part III
Beyond physical hunger and satiation, there's another kind of hunger. It grows not in the body but somewhere else, and it's the hunger I both know well and don't know at all. This hunger is one of unconsciousness, and it masks unrecognized feelings. It adds pounds to a frame without the person realizing how. But if allowed, if awareness is chosen, this hunger can unmask those unrecognized feelings, revealing them to be examined and dealt with. This is dangerous territory, as this hunger also can reveal our deepest hurts and desires. This hunger feeds on boredom, deprivation, pain,loneliness, anger, hurt feelings, fear, broken hearts, unfulfilled dreams, unexpressed desires... Behind this awareness is hope and a future.
I started keeping a food list on the first day of this month. It's nothing fancy, just a small wire-bound notebook. As I'm becoming more aware, it's not as necessary to write down what I'm eating, but it's in my bag, and I will use it any day I feel the need. Listing the food I'm eating makes me aware of when I eat and what I eat. I'm trying to not judge, just to list. This isn't a diet (that word!) but a way of life I'm trying to establish. Eating healthy, eating when hungry, not use food to mask (fill in the blank). I'm learning awareness. When I want something now and I'm not hungry, I'm asking myself, why? What am I feeling? What do I really want? If I listen, this hunger will answer.
Wednesday, August 23, 2017
Hunger, Part II
I've heard for years that you need to stop eating before you're full because it takes 20 minutes for the body to get to the point of being full, and I've experienced this. The Web MD article I shared yesterday on "Hunger, Part I" offers these tips to this other side of hunger, "satisfied."
- Relax before you start eating, and then eat slowly. Remember it takes time for your stomach to tell your brain that you're full.
- Stop a quarter of the way through your meal, and check your hunger level. If you're still hungry, keep eating, but stop again at the halfway point. No matter what your parents taught you, you don't have to clean your plate.
- Learn what proper portions are. We're used to restaurant portions, but restaurant portions usually contain much more food than we need.
Tuesday, August 22, 2017
Hunger, Part 1
Last Saturday, a friend joined me at the Farmers' Market, and we had breakfast there--mine was an egg and cheese on sourdough sandwich. This happened around ten o'clock. Later, we met at Starbucks, and I had a frapp. Hours later, we went to Ruby Tuesday for dinner; it was probably after six o'clock. I didn't know how hungry I was until I went to the salad bar, even before placing my order with the server. I'll rephrase that, my body didn't know, but my mind somehow did. My stomach hadn't growled, and I hadn't had other signals. It was only when I started eating that I physically recognized that I was famished. How can that be?
I found a hunger scale from 1 to 10 at Web MD and share it here:
- 1—Starving, weak, dizzy
- 2—Very hungry, cranky, low energy, lots of stomach growling
- 3—Pretty hungry, stomach is growling a little
- 4—Starting to feel a little hungry
- 5—Satisfied, neither hungry nor full
- 6—A little full, pleasantly full
- 7—A little uncomfortable
- 8—Feeling stuffed
- 9—Very uncomfortable, stomach hurts
- 10—So full you feel sick
I think one reason I didn't notice my hunger Saturday evening, and I should have been hungry, was that I was in my mind and not focused on my body. This is a signal for me to check in with it more often. Also, scheduling meals will help.
The good news is I have made enough changes already to eat healthy foods and even took leftovers home. But paying attention to hunger, not fearing it, is something I'm getting used to.
Monday, August 21, 2017
Portion Size and Unconscious Eating
I'm reading labels more now and paying attention to portion size. Talk about sticker shock! A light shines above my head now about how I've eaten far too much, and often without thinking. I caught myself nibbling one day last week, and I stopped and said, What is going on? And I realized a problem was in my head but not consciously so. That was why I ate. I was getting hungry, too, so I dealt with the problem and prepared a meal.
One night last week I cooked some Trader Joe's pasta. The bag indicated it contained six servings, but I adjusted this to four and calculated the calories. In the future, I'm only cooking a third or half a bag because I don't want to have pasta for days, no matter how good it is. Yesterday, I cooked some Trader Joe's rice. I measured out what was indicated to be four servings, and when cooked adjusted that to three. I had some yesterday and have some for lunch today and then tomorrow. In time, I'm going to probably go to the serving size indicated, but I'm okay with this for now because my meals are fairly simple. I don't do several courses at home, but instead usually have only one item--like today rice with beans, guacamole (a good fat and in a premeasured container), and salsa. I brought a bowl of veggies and will spoon some of those on top. Because the beans are also a carb (and a protein), I probably could have had the regular size serving of rice. I'll consider that next time.
Portion size has a learning curve, and I'm in the early stages of that. Overall, though, I think I'm getting it.
Sunday, August 20, 2017
Being Prepared
In order to eat healthy, I have to be prepared. This has been a major downfall for me in the past. Here's what I've done to help.
I've been to the grocery all weeks but one.
My fridge is full of fruits and vegetables and healthy foods.
My pantry has healthy choices. Rice, pasta, beans...
I'm cooking and making enough for leftovers.
I'm taking my lunch with me to work some days, and my desk is stocked with food and snacks. The drawer is neat, making it easy for me to find food when needed. I'm fortunate also that there's a fridge to use, and a microwave if I need it, though I seldom use one and don't have a microwave at home anymore. (The stove top and oven work just fine.)
This takes time and effort, but hopefully new habits are forming and in a short time this will all be routine.
Forward.
Saturday, August 19, 2017
Goals
I'm a goal setter. But I don't weigh (that's a long story for another time) and I cannot receive frequent updates of my health statistics. In fact, it'll be late November or so before I have either of those. And that's probably good for me actually, so I'm not ultra focused on the numbers, taking my highs and lows from incremental changes. So, as I go along, how do I measure or recognize change? There are a few ways, I believe:
Clothes: This includes fit of current clothes at intervals. Like many people, I have a variety of sizes, mostly abandoned over time. I'm estimating when I might be able to wear those if all goes well. I especially have a long-sleeved, green t-shirt that I hope to be able to wear in late fall or early winter. It's my main article of clothing to try on for measurement and has been for a while. Once it fits, I'll wear it, and then I'll designate something else to be used as measurement through winter/early spring.
Energy: I think this is increasing a bit already.
Clarity: This might be a surprise on the list, but I feel it belongs here, and I feel it happening already. I find myself doing things ahead of time when I wasn't. I'm planning a little better than I was, but I did improve on this about a year ago, when I felt like I drowned in minute details. For more, I plan to add meditation on a more-regular basis to my toolbox in the near future.
Movement: As I feel my body get a little easier to move, as it fits places better, I'll celebrate this. And my plan at this point is to start to move my body more in September. For one thing, the return of my part-time job means I'll stand and walk two to three hours every afternoon two days a week. I want to add a little more time another two days, maybe three. I've considered buying a Varidesk for my full-time office but haven't yet due to cost and also a concern.
Healthy food: I find myself making better choices and passing on poor ones, and this seems a little easier every week.
As far as the numbers go, I have set some hopes for where those come in when I return to the doctor in November. I am very fortunate that my health statistics aren't as bad as one might expect. I credit this to good genes and good choices, including no meat other than poultry and seafood for decades and only seafood since December 31, 2011. With the changes I'm making and even about a 10-15% decrease in weight, my numbers will be better in line. I'm not looking for a miracle, but I do want improvement.
So, this woman who has spent many years of her life looking at the numeric details and statistics will set goals from one doctor's visit to another, and many of those will have nothing to do with the numbers. This is new territory, but I head into it with lots of hope.
Friday, August 18, 2017
Out of Places to Hide
August 18, 2017
Last February 28, I received amazing news: I'd won an award! This great news had an underlying tremor as there would be two receptions and a dinner in April. I'd need to, have to, want to show up. But there would be cameras. I've hidden from cameras a long time now.
I somehow made it through, figuring out clothes and shoes and jewelry. I basked in the honor. I smiled for the cameras, though inside I endured. And I decided something had to change. I want a large life. I want to stop hiding.
The Universe agreed, and that award led to another award. Today, I stood in front of thousands of people and accepted that award. I endured a little more easily because I'm making changes in my life.
Thursday, August 17, 2017
What I Won't Say
These words, diet and exercise, are wrought with much negative energy and uncomfortable feelings for me, and I believe for many people.
I use substitute words. For diet, words like eating healthy. That seems more positive and certainly less restrictive that the word "diet." So, I'll be using "diet" when talking about the past and sometimes in its traditional sense, about a way of eating. But most of the time, I'll use other language.
Exercise isn't quite as charged a word, but for me it evokes unfulfilled promises to myself. It also seems narrow in scope. I'll instead use words like moving my body. That can mean everything from traditional exercise like running or the gym to helping unload boxes at work as I did a week ago. I might use "exercise" in the same way I may use "diet," and I also might use it to indicate equipment or videos. But again, most of the time, I'll use other language.
These may seem simple semantics, but in this endeavor to change my life and my health, I won't underestimate the power of words.
Wednesday, August 16, 2017
Stress
Some shit hit the fan today, and I made it through without cake or ice cream, so far at least. The worst I did was reach for a few sunflower seeds (out of the shell already), and though I recognized it as stress eating, I'm not beating myself up over it. I probably needed a snack right then anyway. To calm myself, I chatted with a friend on Facebook, I worked, and then I took a break to write and listen to meditation music.
One part of the stress has ended pretty well. The other I have no idea, and while I want to say I'm ready for anything, I'm not sure I am. If it ends badly, it'll be very sad.
But the day comes to an end, and I'm headed to run one errand and then home to read and fold laundry, maybe catch this week's episode of Game of Thrones once again, and take a nice long shower to wash the day from my body.
Tuesday, August 15, 2017
Eat/Feel
"Eat what you want when you're hungry; feel your feelings when you're not."
--Geneen Roth, Women, Food, and God
Don't you love it when someone says something so simply?
Of course, for some of us, figuring out the type of hunger we're feeling can be the challenge.
Faith
I forgot to post yesterday. It was a busy day, and I was on the road and out of my element. I received good news regarding a permanent, long-term health condition that has nothing to do with weight, so it was a good day.
The thought of faith entered my mind when I was thinking that I'm seeing no results. In the next thought, though, I knew I was doing things differently, better. I ate fairly healthy foods already, but I am more conscious of that now and make even better choices. I'm still on my dessert fast. And I'm opening my eyes to portion control.
I'm not, however, seeing results yet, but faith is believing when not seeing. It'll take a while for clothes to become loose or the numbers to come back from the doctor (late November). For now, I have action--and I have faith.
Sunday, August 13, 2017
A Whole Universe
August 13, 2017
"There is a whole universe to discover between 'I'm feeling empty' and turning to food to make it go away."
--Geneen Roth, Women Food and God
I was clearing clutter on my laptop when I heard this on an audio book at a favorites coffee shop yesterday aftermoon. I'd just had a good lunch and felt satisfied, and then Geneen's words stopped me. I've had a few moments of clarity on this. Take a walk. Drink water. Talk with someone. Pray. Meditate. But I want more. I want the full spectrum.
Saturday, August 12, 2017
Clutter
I'm cleaning up clutter on my computers. Files that have sat there for a while on one are being sent to the computer where they belong. This is taking a bit of time because I'm trying to put them into a reasonable order as I send them (via email--long story and unimportant). I sent 38 such emails this week, and I just opened those emails and saved the attached files, probably averaging about seven per email, to my computer. I'm usually good at organizing, especially files.
For the last four years, there's one area of my life where I had one massive folder with dozens of files and had to search for what I wanted. Most of the time, that was easy enough, but one problem is that some files are on one computer and updated versions on another. But I am now organizing these. Part of the reason for this was I came into this situation four years ago, and it demanded immediate attention along with having a somewhat steep learning curve, all while still working on an advanced degree. Then after graduation, I started a full-time job but still had this situation. I was sometimes just keeping my head above water. Another part was I didn't know how long the situation would last. It seemed wasteful to organize files I might not ever access again. But six months turned into another six months and now it's time to organize this part of my life. After I get all of those files on the right computer, another project to be completed over the next couple of weeks, I can make good time on organizing on the correct computer. This will help with stress on this endeavor over the next six months and beyond, if I'm fortunate to continue.
There is, I believe, a correlation between clutter and excess weight, and this desire to clean up clutter is a positive sign. And it doesn't matter that the clutter is electronic. I spend a lot of my waking hours on a computer, dealing with email and files and communicating with others. I also use a computer for my creative writing work and journaling. Clutter on my computers ranks alongside clutter in my home and on my desk.
Clutter and excess weight often happen because of a lack of paying attention, because of something being ignored or a person going numb to it. And now, seeing and dealing with them indicate an awakening I'm glad to welcome.
Friday, August 11, 2017
Going For It
At the beginning of June, someone I know did a card reading for me. What kept coming up again and again was not going for what I want, and why? I'm still figuring out the latter, but I have made some strides on the former, including this blog and eating healthy for a couple of weeks now and also getting myself through some emotional upheaval this week.
On July 25, I sent a proposal to give a lecture, something I very much want to do more. I figured a big part of the goal was just sending this, and I'm proud that I did. I'm also delighted to report that I received an email last night informing me that the proposal has been accepted. The hard work begins now in one way, but in another the hard work is behind me.
I put myself out there!
And regardless the outcome, I am ready to do so again.
Thursday, August 10, 2017
Body, Mind...Soul
August 10, 2017
"I've been thinking a lot about feeling comfortable in one's body and what a luxury that must be. Does anyone feel comfortable in their bodies? [...] I know I don't feel comfortable in my body, but I want to and that's what I'm working toward. I am working toward abandoning the damaging cultural messages that tell me my worth is strictly tied up in my body. I am trying to undo all the hateful things I tell myself."
--Roxane Gay, Hunger
Sometimes I see someone, at a restaurant or an event or an actress in a movie, and she seems so comfortable in her own skin. I try to remind myself to not judge my insides against someone's outsides. I have no idea if those women struggle with weight or body issues, perhaps even suffer from an eating disorder. All I know if I want something they appear to have.
I've had that comfort before, felt the relief and contentment and sigh of it in my bones. I've had the knowledge that clothes fit and looked good on me, that I could easily move, that I was treating my body kindly and it was responding. Even now, I'm not far from that on a present-moment basis. My clothes fit and are as flattering as possible. I'm eating healthy and moving my body some. But then I stop and think and am no longer comfortable, so I worry that I'm just going numb to my body issues some of the time. And I know one thing, I can no longer afford to go numb for any length of time.
But I do believe I'm taking first steps toward feeling comfortable in my body even now, moving toward, as Roxane wrote, "abandoning the damaging cultural messages that tell me my worth is strictly tied up in my body." I know this on an intellectual basis. I even worry that I know it too much and focus on my mind almost exclusively, ignoring my body until something happens and I no longer can.
The goal for now is to integrate my mind and my body, and I'm starting to think that the path to that is through tender care and through my soul. I'm going to ponder that for a while.