Hungry (from D. Robin Smith)

September 16, 2017

An excerpt from Hungry by Dr. Robin Smith:

• I’m hungry for real love—not crumbs I try to call a meal.
• I’m hungry to have my gift and talents truly appreciated by those I work with.
• I’m hungry to be beautiful and sexy and not a Barbie doll for a man.
• I’m hungry for passion and great sex that is worthy of my mind, body, and spirit.
• I’m hungry to not have to play small when my spirit and dreams are big.
• I’m hungry to be brave and not let fear drive my life.
• I am hungry to know I am loved and am irrevocably a child of God.
• I’m hungry to be me.

What A Week!

September 16, 2017

It was quite a week, beginning with the 9/11 anniversary.  It feels odd to explain to people that the terrorist attack still feels fresh and raw to me on the anniversary date, but I do say that here because there are people who don't remember it and others who have found, somehow, to let it go.  So, that was the start to the week. 

Then on Tuesday night, after being gone for twelve hours for work and errands, I came home to find a crazy situation.  A heavy picture had fallen to the space between my headboard and the wall.  On the way, it disconnected a plugged-in power strip and in the process removed the outlet's plate and half the "box."  This looked very dangerous to me, and it was late and at the end of a long day.  I reached out on Facebook, to my brother by text, and even called an electrician.  The advice I received was to not plug anything into the one remaining socket and to not let anything touch this.  I moved the mattress and all pillows and linens away from it and slept on the sofa.  The next morning at 8 a.m., the electrician arrived.  In the end, it was all okay, but a fiasco that took time.

On Thursday, I decided to treat myself to lunch out.  One of the things I'm learning is that I need to do this sometimes during the week (not just the weekend), for good food and flavor, and so I did.  I took my laptop with me, planning a writing lunch.  This was something I looked forward to, as I'd returned to a writing project that week and even written on that novel the night before after a writing group meeting.  So at the restaurant I ordered my usual and then turned on my laptop.  After a bit, it occurred to me that it was not booting.  I did a hard boot, and I got the dreaded screen that something was wrong.  I did work through this, not just there (wasting the entire hour) but once back at my office as well, and it resolved itself--I think, I hope.  That night I spent most of the evening backing up files and planning a way to be safe, in case this is a bigger problem or in case something else happens.  A friend said she'd become lax at this in recent weeks.  I think most of us do.  The good news would have been that I wouldn't have lost a lot as I'd backed up all files on May 31 to a passport and had most other projects in some retrievable place--files on flash drives and in emails, music on my Amazon account and phone.  My journal, a Word file, was the biggest concern as I didn't have a newer backup of it. 

So, there were stressful situations this past week, and I did not blog every day.  I did, however, deal with each problem as it came along, and I saw the good.  My house was okay.  I found a reliable electrician.  I had him look at four other outlets while there, as the labor costs were already pretty much sunk.  My computer is working.  My files are backed up.  I've ordered a 128gb flash drive to supplement my passport and a number of other flash drives (16 and 32 gb).  I even put some podcasts on a couple of flash drives with tiny memories, and I plan to listen to those in the car and then reload. 

Last Saturday, I bought the desk I wanted for my bedroom.  On Sunday, I spent time cleaning and setting up in there.  Though a couple of weeks earlier than usual, I changed my coverlet and other linens to fall/winter ones.  I even flipped rugs.  I'm set up for fall and to write the novel in this cocoon.  I also this past week gathered materials for my lecture project, which approaches fast. 

I may not be blogging daily over these next few weeks, or I may.  Time will tell.  But I'm going to catch up a bit now by posting about a file I found on my computer this week. 

Planning

September 14, 2017

I had a meeting after work last night, and the soup I'd had mid-day had moved far from my system even before the meeting started.  The meeting was fantastic but went past our previous latest ending time.  By the end, I was weak from lack of nourishment.  Even during, I felt that daze.

This was a learning experience, and I need to be better prepared in two weeks when we meet again.  In the past, I've had a more-substantial lunch on that day, but I didn't yesterday because my time near lunch was taken by a meeting, for which I was stood up.  I probably need to guard and plan lunch time on days when this meeting takes place.  Another idea might be to bring a snack with me.  I wish I had time and could have dinner, but at best I have about 40 minutes between finishing work and when the meeting starts.  In reality, I seldom have that much time between as I don't get away from my duties on time many days, and I also don't want to be late for the meeting so often run five to ten minutes early. 

I'll figure it out, but yesterday was a wake-up call.

Sugar and Stress

September 12, 2017


I'm feeling overwhelmed this morning.  I have a project that must be ready in two months and five days, and I'm feeling afraid I'll fail and let people down and let myself down.  And that makes me want to stuff my face, especially with something sweet. 

This is a repeat pattern, and I must deal with it.  I'm going to have stress, and I am not going to stop putting myself out there in challenging situations.  It's the only way, in my opinion, for me to grow.

Based on past experience, I suspect I'll make this deadline and not just that, I suspect I'll shine.  But I've started later than I'd planned, and I feel behind and overwhelmed by the task.  So, I now have a list of things to do, and I've done the preliminary work of gathering books from my shelves and e-books, plays, and scripts from the Internet.  I've also requested other books and movies from the library and will pick those up today.  Then, I truly start and pace myself. 

One thing I need to remember:  This is a fun project.  Yes, it's work, but I get to read novels, to read plays, to read screenplays, and to watch a couple of movies.  And some of the novels and all of the plays are classics by folks like Shakespeare and Austen.  I don't want to miss the fun of this.  And if I have to take a day or two off from work, I will.  I'll also forego a few more things along the way, for example, waiting to go to the museum for a new exhibit and waiting to read most other books of fiction (though a favorite author's book is being released in October, and I hope to squeeze that one in).  I might listen to creative nonfiction in my car, and I will be writing.  Always, I will write.

Part of me likes the cocoon I'm entering.  I've missed this kind of focus, and I want to carry it forward with a writing project beginning about a month after the lecture.

I'll make an assessment every week about where I am and what is left to do to make the deadline.  And I'm hoping the work and success tamp down the urge to eat sugar.

9/11

Yesterday, on the 16th anniversary, I remembered.

Sugar, Part IV

September 10, 2017

Some things that help me stay away from sweets.

1.  Not getting too Hungry.
2.  Not getting too Angry.
3.  Not getting too Lonely.
4.  Not getting too Tired.

HALT.

Some of my best ways to steer clear of deserts and candy are to eat healthy and when hungry, to deal with emotions, to see friends and family, and to get rest and sleep.  I don't crave something sweet as much when these are in a good place.

Sugar, Part III

September 10, 2017

I had part of a piece of a friend's birthday pie last night.  It was good, especially the whipped cream.   I've had no sugar today, except in fruit.  There have been moments when I wanted to give in.  Though it's been a pretty good few days regarding sweets, I recognize my propensity to choose sugar too often.

Sugar, Part II

September 8, 2017

I think I've worked most of the excess sugar from my tissues and cells.  Though I only had five hours of sleep last night, I felt better waking up than yesterday morning after a full night of sleep.  And I'm more alert.

One of the things I noticed, especially on Wednesday, was that under the control of sugar, I got sluggish, unfocused.  I also felt sad and mildly depressed.  There was something bothering me, but I usually find a solution or let it go and allow my subconscious time to work on the problem.  I did this, but it took longer than usual and the negative feelings that had wrapped around me came off in layers, too slowly. 

So, I'm turning to research once again and just read about a UCLA study where they found that too much sugar "hinders learning and memory by literally slowing down the brain."  In addition, "over-consumed fructose...damaged synaptic activity in the brain, meaning that communication among brain cells was impaired."  So, this is your brain; this is your brain on sugar.  Seriously.

And then there's that part about mental health:  "Sugar-rich and carb-laden foods can also mess with the neurotransmitters that help keep our moods stable."  There's also an "increased risk for developing depression, compared to those who eat a whole foods diet that’s lower in sugar."  The article goes on to mention a sugar link with age-related cognitive decline, Alzheimer's disease, and dementia.  I can't even...

I have gone through periods with lots of sugar, and now I wonder how much that has impacted my life and life's work.  In addition, it sugar might have a stronger impact on me now that I'm older.  I have long wanted to cut back but had only limited success.

I tend to need a reason for doing things.  I don't mind walking but walking for the sake of walking bores me.  If I have a destination, let's go.  Nearly six years ago I stopped drinking sodas, something I'll share in a few weeks.  I'd wanted to do this for a long time, and I had all the reasons, but finally what got me was when I figured out how much it cost to keep the habit.  In about a year, I'd save enough for a small trip.  I've quit eating beef, pork, poultry, and any meat but seafood.  In each of those cases, a reason that spoke to me appeared.

Maybe I'm finding my reason in today's research to slow down considerably on sugar.  In her book Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert writes about going through a heavy depression and the doctor wanting to prescribe medication.  Her major concern at that point was to not do harm to her mind.  That resonated with me, and I thought of it when reading about the brains impact on the mind, on my mind.  

Like with soda, though, I need to also look at the physical side of this, at craving and habit.

Sugar, Part I

September 7, 2017

When I woke this morning, my body felt like it had been filled with liquid lead that was solidifying.  I've had this feeling before, and I thought it was exhaustion.  Indeed, I was exhausted last night in my body and in my mind, neither of which could do or process one more thing.  I went to bed fairly early, hoping I'd get up early this morning and do some of the things I'd wanted to during that lost evening.  Instead I'd had something of a restless night, which followed another restless and too-brief night of sleep the evening before.  I couldn't get up early this morning, and I didn't want to get up at all.  As I stayed there in bed, I thought, I haven't felt this exhausted in a while, what's going on? 

And an answer came to me:  sugar.

I wrote here yesterday about having far too many Peanut Butter M&Ms the day before, even eating more as I typed those words.  I finally took the bag to the break room, or I know I'd have finished the whole thing yesterday.  So, I was thinking this morning that I'd had a bad day followed by a somewhat-bad day, but then I remembered Monday (Labor Day).  I'd gone to Starbucks and had a frapp, but I was tired of my light/skinny so did something different, adding white chocolate.  As warned by the barista, it was very sweet--which I loved.  Also that day, I ate Indian food and had both naan and white rice.  I almost always now have wheat/brown when it comes to bread, rice, and pasta.  So, after consideration, I'm counting three days of sugar. 

But my body and my mind counted it first--in physical exhaustion, in mental exhaustion, and in a heaviness that has nothing to do with weight.

Kristin Kirkpatrick, M.S., R.D., L.D. lists Ten Things You Don't Know About Sugar in her blog.  They are:

1. Sugar can damage your heart.
2. Sugar specifically promotes belly fat.
3. Sugar is the true silent killer.
4. Sugar may be linked to cancer production and may effect cancer survival.
5. Your sugar “addiction” may be genetic.
6. Sugar and alcohol have similar toxic liver effects on the body.
7. Sugar may sap your brain power.
8. Sugar hides in many everyday “non-sugar” foods.
9. An overload of sugar (specifically in beverages) may shorten your life.
10. Sugar is making us fat.

That's a lot, and over the next few days, I'm going to examine my relationship with sugar.  It's a love affair that needs to transform or even end.

Today, though, I'm going to do what I can, which is stay away from sugar and drink lots of water to flush the excess sugar from my cells and tissue.  Today, I'll pay the price of three too-much sugar days.

A Step Back

September 6, 2017

Peanut butter M&Ms did me in yesterday.  The problem wasn't that I had a few.  It was that I had too many. 

But I'm not beating myself up.  The rest of the day, I stuck with my plan.  And today, other than some PBM&Ms already, I will, too.

What's left of this bag of candy is going away from my desk as soon as a report I need to print is ready.

Two steps forward and one back is still forward motion.

Fall: A New Beginning

September 5, 2017

It's the day after Labor Day, which often means the first day of school and a return to "normal" from summer.  Even though that was never the case for me (both grades 1-12 and college started about seven to ten days before the end of August), Labor Day has still always seemed a dividing point between before and after, with after being a more studious, serious side.  I actually preferred the after and the beginning of my favorite season, fall. 

So, in honor of new beginnings, I offer this, which I found more than a decade ago in a book by Debbie Ford. These words are a great reminder that we sometimes block ourselves from our dreams, that it's okay to go after our dreams, and that our dreams aren't for us only.  What good we have in life is meant to be shared with others. 

Debbie Ford's Morning Routine:

• Take a moment of silence and meditation, and give yourself permission to have all that you desire.
• Tell yourself that it is safe for you to fulfill your heart's wishes.
• Remember where you want to go, why you want to go there, and what will be waiting for you when you arrive.  Allow yourself to imagine how you will feel, how you will look, and how others will be inspired by you when your vision is fulfilled.
• Think about all the opportunities you will have during the coming day to make choices that support the fulfillment of your goals and dreams.

Carpe diem!

Clearing the Slate

September 4, 2017

For about an hour this morning, I dusted the furniture in my house with Method polish, swiped TV screens and my laptop screen with special wipes, hand-washed a few dishes, cleaned the kitchen sink with Method All-Purpose spray, cleaned the kitchen island and counter tops, picked up a bit of clutter and organized, and ran a load of laundry (but it's still not dried).  That leaves the bathrooms (one much easier than the other) and floors throughout the house.  I have a new broom and plan to sweep some recent drama out the door.

My house doesn't get to the point of being filthy, but I can live with a certain level of dust that my mother cannot.  Messiness bothers me more than dirt actually.  I work two jobs and write, and if something has to give, it's housekeeping.  I'm entering a long period of my life.  Over the next three months, I will have two jobs, including teaching part time.  I will research, write, practice, and ultimately give a lecture at the MFA program from which I graduated.  And I plan to return to the novel I was going to work on this summer, but then a short story and a chapter in a former novel called my name.  I also spent time working on my home office, clearing away some papers, organizing, and setting it up to be more functional.  It's time to return to the writing I'd planned and the lecture project.

The next two and a half months will be very busy and focus is necessary. Other than cleaning, I' spent the past week and this weekend working on some stray ends.  Starting with a clean slate in more ways that one is an excellent beginning.

Bring it, Fall!

An Anniversary

September 3, 2017

I had an anniversary this week and wrote about it on Thursday evening.
 

After a horrible summer of almost no writing in 2014, I found my way back, gently.

Here's a link.

Hunger, Part XII

September 2, 2017

I'll close the "Hunger" series with a quote:

“The story of my life is wanting, hungering, for what I cannot have or, perhaps, wanting what I dare not allow myself to have.”
― Roxane Gay, Hunger
 
I am thinking this is the hunger that underlies many hungers.  It's the hunger of wanting what we cannot have or do not have.  But then really, because we think we cannot have, we do not try.  If we try, we think, and if we fail, then the possibility to which we cling dies.

I've realized I've been doing this.  About three months ago, a friend did a chakra reading for me using various Tarot and Oracle cards.  After this, I came to a deeper understanding of this problem inside me.  I thought I knew I could have more, but if I did know this, I wasn't acting like it.  Was it that there was always tomorrow (a lie) or that I feared being denied my dream, and then what would I do if the dream was murdered by a no, if my hope of it was shattered?

Since then, I've been studying why I'm not going after my dreams and doing so more.  I submitted a proposal to give a lecture.  And it was accepted.  I started this blog and started eating healthy.  A month in, that's going well, in my opinion, despite concrete evidence of having lost weight as of yet.  I don't weigh, and it's too soon to see much loss in clothing.  But I do have more energy, and I'm proud of myself for not letting myself down.  These were two wants. 

As Roxane said, “I often tell my students that fiction is about desire in one way or another. The older I get, the more I understand that life is generally the pursuit of desires. We want and want and oh how we want. We hunger.”

Hunger isn't the enemy.  It's the guiding light to salvation.

Click here for more quotes from Roxane Gay's Hunger.

Hunger, Part XI

September 1, 2017

Deprivation can cause hunger in its own way.  Deprivation can cause trouble, in anything.  Deprivation can turn craving into a monster. We often want what we tell ourselves we cannot have (often as opposed to what we may not have).

I struggled with this in August.  At the end of July, I decided to change my relationship to sweets and sugar by not eating dessert-type for 30 days.  That included cake, ice cream, frozen yogurt, cookies, candy, pudding, pie, and chocolate.  There were days when this was harder than others.  Also, as I read more about food and eating, I read that deprivation is connected to the diet industry, and I didn't want to fall into that trap.  Still, I persisted, but this was more to keep a promise to myself than to deprive myself.

As I move forward, will I perhaps make some other guideline for myself, such as once or twice a week?  I'm not sure.  But I do want to be careful about deprivation, because with food and other things, that can lead to a rabbit hole I do not wish to visit.

Today, I am having Peanut Butter M&Ms.  The unopened package has been in my desk for about a week.  I've measured out what I'll eat, and I'm eating slowly.  The candy is tasting rich to me, richer than I remember. Welcome back, chocolate.