Fall: A New Beginning

September 5, 2017

It's the day after Labor Day, which often means the first day of school and a return to "normal" from summer.  Even though that was never the case for me (both grades 1-12 and college started about seven to ten days before the end of August), Labor Day has still always seemed a dividing point between before and after, with after being a more studious, serious side.  I actually preferred the after and the beginning of my favorite season, fall. 

So, in honor of new beginnings, I offer this, which I found more than a decade ago in a book by Debbie Ford. These words are a great reminder that we sometimes block ourselves from our dreams, that it's okay to go after our dreams, and that our dreams aren't for us only.  What good we have in life is meant to be shared with others. 

Debbie Ford's Morning Routine:

• Take a moment of silence and meditation, and give yourself permission to have all that you desire.
• Tell yourself that it is safe for you to fulfill your heart's wishes.
• Remember where you want to go, why you want to go there, and what will be waiting for you when you arrive.  Allow yourself to imagine how you will feel, how you will look, and how others will be inspired by you when your vision is fulfilled.
• Think about all the opportunities you will have during the coming day to make choices that support the fulfillment of your goals and dreams.

Carpe diem!

Clearing the Slate

September 4, 2017

For about an hour this morning, I dusted the furniture in my house with Method polish, swiped TV screens and my laptop screen with special wipes, hand-washed a few dishes, cleaned the kitchen sink with Method All-Purpose spray, cleaned the kitchen island and counter tops, picked up a bit of clutter and organized, and ran a load of laundry (but it's still not dried).  That leaves the bathrooms (one much easier than the other) and floors throughout the house.  I have a new broom and plan to sweep some recent drama out the door.

My house doesn't get to the point of being filthy, but I can live with a certain level of dust that my mother cannot.  Messiness bothers me more than dirt actually.  I work two jobs and write, and if something has to give, it's housekeeping.  I'm entering a long period of my life.  Over the next three months, I will have two jobs, including teaching part time.  I will research, write, practice, and ultimately give a lecture at the MFA program from which I graduated.  And I plan to return to the novel I was going to work on this summer, but then a short story and a chapter in a former novel called my name.  I also spent time working on my home office, clearing away some papers, organizing, and setting it up to be more functional.  It's time to return to the writing I'd planned and the lecture project.

The next two and a half months will be very busy and focus is necessary. Other than cleaning, I' spent the past week and this weekend working on some stray ends.  Starting with a clean slate in more ways that one is an excellent beginning.

Bring it, Fall!

An Anniversary

September 3, 2017

I had an anniversary this week and wrote about it on Thursday evening.
 

After a horrible summer of almost no writing in 2014, I found my way back, gently.

Here's a link.

Hunger, Part XII

September 2, 2017

I'll close the "Hunger" series with a quote:

“The story of my life is wanting, hungering, for what I cannot have or, perhaps, wanting what I dare not allow myself to have.”
― Roxane Gay, Hunger
 
I am thinking this is the hunger that underlies many hungers.  It's the hunger of wanting what we cannot have or do not have.  But then really, because we think we cannot have, we do not try.  If we try, we think, and if we fail, then the possibility to which we cling dies.

I've realized I've been doing this.  About three months ago, a friend did a chakra reading for me using various Tarot and Oracle cards.  After this, I came to a deeper understanding of this problem inside me.  I thought I knew I could have more, but if I did know this, I wasn't acting like it.  Was it that there was always tomorrow (a lie) or that I feared being denied my dream, and then what would I do if the dream was murdered by a no, if my hope of it was shattered?

Since then, I've been studying why I'm not going after my dreams and doing so more.  I submitted a proposal to give a lecture.  And it was accepted.  I started this blog and started eating healthy.  A month in, that's going well, in my opinion, despite concrete evidence of having lost weight as of yet.  I don't weigh, and it's too soon to see much loss in clothing.  But I do have more energy, and I'm proud of myself for not letting myself down.  These were two wants. 

As Roxane said, “I often tell my students that fiction is about desire in one way or another. The older I get, the more I understand that life is generally the pursuit of desires. We want and want and oh how we want. We hunger.”

Hunger isn't the enemy.  It's the guiding light to salvation.

Click here for more quotes from Roxane Gay's Hunger.

Hunger, Part XI

September 1, 2017

Deprivation can cause hunger in its own way.  Deprivation can cause trouble, in anything.  Deprivation can turn craving into a monster. We often want what we tell ourselves we cannot have (often as opposed to what we may not have).

I struggled with this in August.  At the end of July, I decided to change my relationship to sweets and sugar by not eating dessert-type for 30 days.  That included cake, ice cream, frozen yogurt, cookies, candy, pudding, pie, and chocolate.  There were days when this was harder than others.  Also, as I read more about food and eating, I read that deprivation is connected to the diet industry, and I didn't want to fall into that trap.  Still, I persisted, but this was more to keep a promise to myself than to deprive myself.

As I move forward, will I perhaps make some other guideline for myself, such as once or twice a week?  I'm not sure.  But I do want to be careful about deprivation, because with food and other things, that can lead to a rabbit hole I do not wish to visit.

Today, I am having Peanut Butter M&Ms.  The unopened package has been in my desk for about a week.  I've measured out what I'll eat, and I'm eating slowly.  The candy is tasting rich to me, richer than I remember. Welcome back, chocolate.

Hunger, Part X

August 31, 2017

Craving has a bad reputation, and some of that is deserved, but when really studied, it's an important part of hunger. 

A couple of months ago I met a friend at a restaurant that serves food native to India.  We had a lovely dinner, staying for three and a half hours, eating amazing food, catching up.  For weeks after, I kept thinking about returning to the place, but it is on the other side of town from my office and just didn't work out.  Finally, two weeks ago, I was off from work, and I thought, I want to go there.  And I did.  This satisfied my craving, and while I'll go back as soon as possible, I don't think of the food almost daily now.

Craving is sometimes a message from our bodies about something it needs.  A few weeks ago, a co-worker gave me two tomatoes.  They were so sweet and delicious, and I wanted more, so I went to the Farmers' Market again after a few years of missing it because I couldn't seem to get my behind out the door on Saturday morning before starting the rest of my day.  Over this time, I've bought pounds and pounds of tomatoes.  They sometimes went into dishes I cooked, but most of them were sliced and eaten as they were (maybe a bit of sea salt).  A friend told me my body might be craving iron from them, and she may have been right.  I also think I craved the deliciousness of real tomatoes, not the tasteless things that pass for them at the grocery.  My body craved their goodness, including taste and nutrition. 

Craving is hard to ignore and best not to sometimes, at least for very long, because it can turn into a binge (and hence the bad rep).  I want to be careful and not get into the diet industry's words here, but by this I mean something out-of-control or over-the-top.  If I crave something for a few days, I'm trying now to have it within a reasonable time and quantity. 

Tomorrow, I'll write about deprivation, which can turn craving into a monster. 

Hunger, Part IX

August 30, 2017

Last night I saw a documentary about Wendell Berry's work and what has happened to farmers in America.  I'm not a farmer or even a gardener.  One summer two decades ago, I grew tomatoes and flowers, and I'll admit that  I grew to resent the time that took from my other passions.  I do sometimes wonder, though, if I might take more interest later in life like my father did after his retirement.  Until he physically couldn't any longer, he grew tomatoes all summer, one crop after another off his carport.  And he grew beautiful flowers.  I do respect farmers and gardeners, and I, as readers know, am back to supporting my local farmers' market.  I still hope the family farm can be saved, and I know part of that will come with renewed respect for the land. 

I'm a person of contradiction.  I love cities and cannot live in a rural area, but I realized last night that I have made a great compromise.  My home is in a small city and is generally very quiet inside, but I travel to one of two larger cities (one is an hour's drive away, the other two hours) several times a year, and this year I'm going back to New York City.  Circumstances have kept me from there for five long years, and I'm making that happen.  I get energy that will last me months, and I give my energy in return.  I'm also thinking I want to explore parks in my small city when temperatures cool.  When I lived in the largest of those two cities I mentioned, I visited a park there, fed the ducks, walked around the pond, sat in a swing and read.  I have recently remembered that and started missing it.  I don't think you'll read about me walking in the woods, however.  That scares me more than some side streets or the traffic in large cities.  ;-)

But hunger...

The images and words of the documentary, along with an ill-advised cup of coffee ordered too late in the day, kept me awake far past midnight and brought restless sleep.  I hungered for many things, including for quiet and peace, for the city I love and to travel to another city I want to visit so badly, and for the time and structure to do the work I truly wish to do.  These are not new hungers--this has been coming.  But last night this hunger, these needs (for they are needs, not wishes) burned, not in my stomach but in my soul.  Some of the work I'm doing now will allow the necessary changes, and in fact already does more than a year ago.  I'm starting to realize also why I need these in my life and how important satisfying these hungers is to my happiness.  This hunger, I think, is fueling my others, for in dealing with those, I create time for these.

Hunger, Part VIII

August 29, 2017

When the word hunger comes up, most of us think about a need for food, perhaps a dire need.  That's understandable.  It is, after all, the definition in the dictionary.  I read somewhere once that if you're not hungry enough to eat an apple, you're not hungry.  That's a great soundbite, but one shouldn't get so hungry that an apple, if not otherwise a favorite choice, is considered the only choice.  This isn't, in my opinion, a good measurement of hunger.

Today's blog isn't about the kind of hunger that gnaws at your insides.  It's about hunger for quality food, for food well-prepared with good ingredients.  While I cook a lot at home and am learning more about using spices and herbs, I still find my best meals in restaurants.  Recently I've tried two I'd never gone to.  One serves dishes native to India, the other Thailand.  Both were delicious. and I have or will return.  I also have a place that serves the best black-bean burger in town and another that has the best salad bar.  I don't tend to order salads when out.  I make a lot of those at home, and I've noticed that often the calorie and fat count in a restaurant salad rivals that of heartier food that will fill me up more.  With the salad bar I mentioned, though, I have a variety I cannot possibly carry in my home and can make good choices.

Restaurants get a lot of bad word regarding large portion size.  There are ways around this.  I can sometimes share a meal (though this is rare since I stopped eating most meat) or take leftovers home for lunch the next day.  This makes a restaurant less wasteful and cost prohibitive. 

But again, this kind of hunger is about eating something so good, my mouth is saying mmmmm before I've even put the fork inside my mouth (the nose already recognizes the quality).  To not feel deprived, to mix things up, I go to restaurants two to three times a week on average.  Having well-prepared, well-flavored foods served to me is a treat and a great pleasure. 

And along the way, I'm learning to cook more flavorable foods also.  Eating healthy shouldn't be deprived eating.

Hunger, Part VII

August 28, 2017


"My father believes hunger is in the mind.  I know differently.  I know that hunger is in the mind and the body and the heart and the soul."  --Roxane Gay, Hunger

This quote first came to me via a Facebook post.  Late yesterday, I came across it in the memoir.

Hunger, indeed, is in the mind and body and the heart and the soul.  And while it is often seen as bad, it's actually good.  Without hunger, we'd starve.  Without hunger, there would be no knowledge.  Without hunger, there would be no love and no deep truths.  It's when hunger is seen as something to fear, to fight, to hate, when it's ignored, that it's dark side shows.  But hunger listened to, hunger embraced, that can bring health and healing, happiness and even joy--and much light.

Hunger, Part VI

August 27, 2017

Yesterday, I wrote about spiritual hunger.  Today, I'm going to take another big step and write about desire as hunger.  This isn't the desire for material things, though having at least the minimum of security in our lives is important.  After that, we move on up Maslow's hierarchy of needs, and that takes me to love, creativity, and happiness (or should I say joy?).  A hunger for this higher sense of life is real, and the denial of it, whether self-inflicted or by someone else, is also real and causes a person to get stuck.

How do we get unstuck?

We make one small change and then another small change.  Eventually, we make bigger changes.  We put ourselves out there.  In the past few weeks, I've started this blog.  I've gone to the grocery and/or Farmers' Market weekly.  I've been prepared for meals taken away from home.  I've received an award, going up to a stage in front of hundreds of people and having my photo taken.  I've worked on a room that needed work and taken steps necessary to organize my computer files.  I've spoken my truth.  I did some training to make my part-time job a bit more efficient.  Now, I have a short story nearly ready to be submitted and am about to send queries to agents for my novel.  I submitted a proposal to give a lecture in November, and it was accepted (yikes, now I have to research, write, and practice).  Small changes.  Small steps.

I'd felt stuck for a long time.  I am fearful of getting stuck again, I'll admit.  But these small changes are causing ripples, and I'm not sure I can go back now.  I don't want to be stuck ever again and especially not for as long as I was. 

My goals are love, creativity, and joy (yes, I said it).   Forward.

Hunger, Part V

August 26, 2017

This blog isn't just about food, eating, and weight.  My intention for this blog is a more holistic approach, and today's hunger fits that well. 

Hunger can be spiritual. 

I'm not about to get all preachy or religious on anyone.  I don't try to prescribe what someone should believe.  But I do think that a lack of something spiritual, as a person defines their own beliefs, can cause an emptiness that masquerades as physical hunger.  Figuring out what those beliefs are is imperative for most of us, as is not taking on someone else's dogma.  Finding one's own path is the way to wholeness. 

I pretty sure I'll be posting more about spirituality as this blog moves forward, but for today, I just want to mention this type of hunger and plant that seed.  It is a first step in filling a chasm in the body that cannot be filled with food, not for long at least.