Out of Places to Hide

August 18, 2017

Last February 28, I received amazing news:  I'd won an award!  This great news had an underlying tremor as there would be two receptions and a dinner in April.  I'd need to, have to, want to show up.  But there would be cameras.  I've hidden from cameras a long time now.

I somehow made it through, figuring out clothes and shoes and jewelry.   I basked in the honor.  I smiled for the cameras, though inside I endured.  And I decided something had to change.   I want a large life.  I want to stop hiding.

The Universe agreed, and that award led to another award.  Today, I stood in front of thousands of people and accepted that award.  I endured a little more easily because I'm making changes in my life. 

What I Won't Say

There are two words I won't say on my blog, or at least I won't say them much. 

These words, diet and exercise, are wrought with much negative energy and uncomfortable feelings for me, and I believe for many people. 

I use substitute words.  For diet, words like eating healthy.  That seems more positive and certainly less restrictive that the word "diet."  So, I'll be using "diet" when talking about the past and sometimes in its traditional sense, about a way of eating.  But most of the time, I'll use other language.

Exercise isn't quite as charged a word, but for me it evokes unfulfilled promises to myself.  It also seems narrow in scope.  I'll instead use words like moving my body.  That can mean everything from traditional exercise like running or the gym to helping unload boxes at work as I did a week ago.  I might use "exercise" in the same way I may use "diet," and I also might use it to indicate equipment or videos.  But again, most of the time, I'll use other language.

These may seem simple semantics, but in this endeavor to change my life and my health, I won't underestimate the power of words.

Stress

August 16, 2017

Some shit hit the fan today, and I made it through without cake or ice cream, so far at least.  The worst I did was reach for a few sunflower seeds (out of the shell already), and though I recognized it as stress eating, I'm not beating myself up over it.  I probably needed a snack right then anyway.  To calm myself, I chatted with a friend on Facebook, I worked, and then I took a break to write and listen to meditation music. 

One part of the stress has ended pretty well.  The other I have no idea, and while I want to say I'm ready for anything, I'm not sure I am.  If it ends badly, it'll be very sad. 

But the day comes to an end, and I'm headed to run one errand and then home to read and fold laundry, maybe catch this week's episode of Game of Thrones once again, and take a nice long shower to wash the day from my body. 

Eat/Feel

August 15, 2017

"Eat what you want when you're hungry; feel your feelings when you're not."
--Geneen Roth, Women, Food, and God

Don't you love it when someone says something so simply? 

Of course, for some of us, figuring out the type of hunger we're feeling can be the challenge.

Faith

August 14, 2017

I forgot to post yesterday.  It was a busy day, and I was on the road and out of my element.  I received good news regarding a permanent, long-term health condition that has nothing to do with weight, so it was a good day.

The thought of faith entered my mind when I was thinking that I'm seeing no results.  In the next thought, though, I knew I was doing things differently, better.  I ate fairly healthy foods already, but I am more conscious of that now and make even better choices.  I'm still on my dessert fast.  And I'm opening my eyes to portion control. 

I'm not, however, seeing results yet, but faith is believing when not seeing.  It'll take a while for clothes to become loose or the numbers to come back from the doctor (late November).  For now, I have action--and I have faith.

A Whole Universe

August 13, 2017

"There is a whole universe to discover between 'I'm feeling empty' and turning to food to make it go away."
--Geneen Roth,  Women Food and God

I was clearing clutter on my laptop when I heard this on an audio book at a favorites coffee shop yesterday aftermoon.  I'd just had a good lunch and felt satisfied, and then Geneen's words stopped me.  I've had a few moments of clarity on this.  Take a walk.  Drink water.  Talk with someone.   Pray.   Meditate.  But I want more.  I want the full spectrum.

Clutter

August 12, 2017

I'm cleaning up clutter on my computers.  Files that have sat there for a while on one are being sent to the computer where they belong.  This is taking a bit of time because I'm trying to put them into a reasonable order as I send them (via email--long story and unimportant). I sent 38 such emails this week, and I just opened those emails and saved the attached files, probably averaging about seven per email, to my computer.  I'm usually good at organizing, especially files. 

For the last four years, there's one area of my life where I had one massive folder with dozens of files and had to search for what I wanted.  Most of the time, that was easy enough, but one problem is that some files are on one computer and updated versions on another.  But I am now organizing these.  Part of the reason for this was I came into this situation four years ago, and it demanded immediate attention along with having a somewhat steep learning curve, all while still working on an advanced degree.  Then after graduation, I started a full-time job but still had this situation.  I was sometimes just keeping my head above water.  Another part was I didn't know how long the situation would last.  It seemed wasteful to organize files I might not ever access again.  But six months turned into another six months and now it's time to organize this part of my life.  After I get all of those files on the right computer, another project to be completed over the next couple of weeks, I can make good time on organizing on the correct computer.  This will help with stress on this endeavor over the next six months and beyond, if I'm fortunate to continue. 

There is, I believe, a correlation between clutter and excess weight, and this desire to clean up clutter is a positive sign.  And it doesn't matter that the clutter is electronic.  I spend a lot of my waking hours on a computer, dealing with email and files and communicating with others.  I also use a computer for my creative writing work and journaling.  Clutter on my computers ranks alongside clutter in my home and on my desk. 

Clutter and excess weight often happen because of a lack of paying attention, because of something being ignored or a person going numb to it.  And now, seeing and dealing with them indicate an awakening I'm glad to welcome.   

Going For It

August 11, 2017

At the beginning of June, someone I know did a card reading for me.  What kept coming up again and again was not going for what I want, and why?  I'm still figuring out the latter, but I have made some strides on the former, including this blog and eating healthy for a couple of weeks now and also getting myself through some emotional upheaval this week. 

On July 25, I sent a proposal to give a lecture, something I very much want to do more.  I figured a big part of the goal was just sending this, and I'm proud that I did.  I'm also delighted to report that I received an email last night informing me that the proposal has been accepted.  The hard work begins now in one way, but in another the hard work is behind me. 

I put myself out there!

And regardless the outcome, I am ready to do so again.

Body, Mind...Soul

August 10, 2017

"I've been thinking a lot about feeling comfortable in one's body and what a luxury that must be. Does anyone feel comfortable in their bodies? [...] I know I don't feel comfortable in my body, but I want to and that's what I'm working toward. I am working toward abandoning the damaging cultural messages that tell me my worth is strictly tied up in my body. I am trying to undo all the hateful things I tell myself."
--Roxane Gay, Hunger

Sometimes I see someone, at a restaurant or an event or an actress in a movie, and she seems so comfortable in her own skin.  I try to remind myself to not judge my insides against someone's outsides.  I have no idea if those women struggle with weight or body issues, perhaps even suffer from an eating disorder.  All I know if I want something they appear to have. 

I've had that comfort before, felt the relief and contentment and sigh of it in my bones.  I've had the knowledge that clothes fit and looked good on me, that I could easily move, that I was treating my body kindly and it was responding.  Even now, I'm not far from that on a present-moment basis.  My clothes fit and are as flattering as possible.  I'm eating healthy and moving my body some.  But then I stop and think and am no longer comfortable, so I worry that I'm just going numb to my body issues some of the time. And I know one thing, I can no longer afford to go numb for any length of time. 
 
But I do believe I'm taking first steps toward feeling comfortable in my body even now, moving toward, as Roxane wrote, "abandoning the damaging cultural messages that tell me my worth is strictly tied up in my body."  I know this on an intellectual basis.  I even worry that I know it too much and focus on my mind almost exclusively, ignoring my body until something happens and I no longer can.

The goal for now is to integrate my mind and my body, and I'm starting to think that the path to that is through tender care and through my soul.  I'm going to ponder that for a while.

 

The Body as a Fortress

August 9, 2017

"I desperately needed to feel safe.  I needed to feel like a fortress, impermeable.  I didn't want anything or anyone to touch me."
--Roxane Gay, Hunger

This idea of weight being a protector is not new to me.  When I've allowed the thought in, I've believed that part of the reason for my extra pounds was to put a shield around me, a force field of protection.  A couple of days ago, I read the first pages of Roxane Gay's new memoir, and when I saw the word fortress, I stopped.  This Game of Thrones lover could see it clearly.  I have been using this extra weight as a fortress.  But from what?

Roxane was sexually assaulted at the tender age of twelve.  That's not my story, but I do think sexuality figures into it.  The idea of my body in that way, of expectations from the world, as a girl was too much, and there was no one to talk to.  I truly don't know how young girls today survive, and I suspect many aren't doing well, with so many expectations of a sexual identity so young and not just a sexual identity but one that would pain many women who are much older.  So, that's one, and even at my age (a number that makes me gasp), I still have a teenage girl inside me, who needs healing from early expectations.

But there's more (as there might be for Roxane--I'm going to be reading the book).  For me, I think, it's about other expectations, some from the world but some from myself.  And it's about my fear of those.  Last night, I was reading Marianne Williamson's A Course in Weight Loss, and she mentioned fear.  And the opposite of that is love.  That doesn't just include love of self, even now, at this weight, but requires that self-love.

So, I'm going to be examining what fears are keeping me at this weight and release them, which will release the weight, I've been told (not magically--there's still other work to be done).  I'm not hiding my fears and these expectations from you here.  I don't fully understand what they are at this point, but I can say that living a smaller life than I'm intended to live is one, and I am living a small life compared to the one in my head, the one I'm working toward.  But I've also been hiding from that large life, perhaps even sabotaging it.  And it's time to stop.  As I've thought many times:  small life, large body; large life, small body.  The choice appears to be mine.

In a recent interview in Rolling Stone, Roxane Gay said, "And with many years of therapy, I have recognized that, ok, you no longer need a physical fortress and the physical fortress doesn’t actually keep you safe. It just gives me the illusion of safety. Some of the old habits linger, but in many ways, I've worked through a lot of that."

I don't want a fortress around me anymore.  I want to open my arms wide to the world.  I'm a grown, educated woman who has had many experiences, and it's time for a larger life and the healthy body to carry me there.  Besides, the fortress isn't keeping me safe.  It is, as Roxane said, an "illusion of safety."  As I have been opening my arms more in recent years, I've also found the fortress to be a source of distraction and burden, pain and embarrassment.  One stone at a time, the fortress must be torn down.  With each stone removed, places inside me will be penetrated by daylight as they haven't in years, if ever.  Life is about to get very interesting.

Shaking Things Up

August 8, 2017

I'm feeling a little out of sorts today.  I've started, and I'm doing what I need to do, but it's too early for results (of course), so I'm in this in-between place.  This too shall pass.

I've come back to update this post.  One thing that is happening regards feelings.  Some uncomfortable ones are surfacing, and I find myself wanting to reach for food to comfort me, especially something sweet.  There's so much I want to do, and there feels like too little time and too few resources.  Food will not help that, except in the sense that good food will provide energy and health and perhaps confidence to reach for my dreams.  The food I want to eat right now, however, will only silence the longing and numb me.  These feelings are nothing new, but not stuffing them back down with sugar is refreshing, as is recognizing this.