The Body as a Fortress

August 9, 2017

"I desperately needed to feel safe.  I needed to feel like a fortress, impermeable.  I didn't want anything or anyone to touch me."
--Roxane Gay, Hunger

This idea of weight being a protector is not new to me.  When I've allowed the thought in, I've believed that part of the reason for my extra pounds was to put a shield around me, a force field of protection.  A couple of days ago, I read the first pages of Roxane Gay's new memoir, and when I saw the word fortress, I stopped.  This Game of Thrones lover could see it clearly.  I have been using this extra weight as a fortress.  But from what?

Roxane was sexually assaulted at the tender age of twelve.  That's not my story, but I do think sexuality figures into it.  The idea of my body in that way, of expectations from the world, as a girl was too much, and there was no one to talk to.  I truly don't know how young girls today survive, and I suspect many aren't doing well, with so many expectations of a sexual identity so young and not just a sexual identity but one that would pain many women who are much older.  So, that's one, and even at my age (a number that makes me gasp), I still have a teenage girl inside me, who needs healing from early expectations.

But there's more (as there might be for Roxane--I'm going to be reading the book).  For me, I think, it's about other expectations, some from the world but some from myself.  And it's about my fear of those.  Last night, I was reading Marianne Williamson's A Course in Weight Loss, and she mentioned fear.  And the opposite of that is love.  That doesn't just include love of self, even now, at this weight, but requires that self-love.

So, I'm going to be examining what fears are keeping me at this weight and release them, which will release the weight, I've been told (not magically--there's still other work to be done).  I'm not hiding my fears and these expectations from you here.  I don't fully understand what they are at this point, but I can say that living a smaller life than I'm intended to live is one, and I am living a small life compared to the one in my head, the one I'm working toward.  But I've also been hiding from that large life, perhaps even sabotaging it.  And it's time to stop.  As I've thought many times:  small life, large body; large life, small body.  The choice appears to be mine.

In a recent interview in Rolling Stone, Roxane Gay said, "And with many years of therapy, I have recognized that, ok, you no longer need a physical fortress and the physical fortress doesn’t actually keep you safe. It just gives me the illusion of safety. Some of the old habits linger, but in many ways, I've worked through a lot of that."

I don't want a fortress around me anymore.  I want to open my arms wide to the world.  I'm a grown, educated woman who has had many experiences, and it's time for a larger life and the healthy body to carry me there.  Besides, the fortress isn't keeping me safe.  It is, as Roxane said, an "illusion of safety."  As I have been opening my arms more in recent years, I've also found the fortress to be a source of distraction and burden, pain and embarrassment.  One stone at a time, the fortress must be torn down.  With each stone removed, places inside me will be penetrated by daylight as they haven't in years, if ever.  Life is about to get very interesting.

Shaking Things Up

August 8, 2017

I'm feeling a little out of sorts today.  I've started, and I'm doing what I need to do, but it's too early for results (of course), so I'm in this in-between place.  This too shall pass.

I've come back to update this post.  One thing that is happening regards feelings.  Some uncomfortable ones are surfacing, and I find myself wanting to reach for food to comfort me, especially something sweet.  There's so much I want to do, and there feels like too little time and too few resources.  Food will not help that, except in the sense that good food will provide energy and health and perhaps confidence to reach for my dreams.  The food I want to eat right now, however, will only silence the longing and numb me.  These feelings are nothing new, but not stuffing them back down with sugar is refreshing, as is recognizing this.

Ghost Children

August 7, 2017

Yesterday, I watched a repeat of Oprah's Super Soul Sunday featuring Geneen Roth.  During the interview, Geneen mentioned "ghost children."  Another blogger explained these this way:

"As Oprah explained it, these are the parts of ourselves that were developed in the early years of our lives. The unhealed parts that believe we're not enough because somewhere in life we didn't get what we needed so we try to meet those unmet needs with food. Ghost children are the stories we repeatedly tell ourselves: I'm not good enough; I'm unlovable; I'm not worthy. The parts of ourselves we want comforted. And because food is meant to fuel our bodies and not our minds or hearts, it's never enough. And the cycle of destruction never ends."

Geneen said our ghost children need to be named (her example, "Left-out Lucy"), and I agree.  On my journey, it's important for me to know the empty spaces that I'm trying to fill. 

She also said, when asked by Oprah about how to find the path to one's self, that it's the thing right in front of you, and often that is through food. And that this is a spiritual issue.  That makes sense.

Finally, Geneen's three words for us:  "Be unspeakably kind" to ourselves and these ghost children, who are showing themselves, showing us, through their path.

I'm naming my ghost children this week.

Here's a link to more interview clips on YouTube.

New Mindset

August 6, 2017

When at the FM yesterday, I bought more than eight pounds of tomatoes, five pounds of onions,  and several pounds of other veggies, plus eggs.  The tomatoes were in one canvas bag, the other veggies another, the eggs still another, and finally my wallet and phone in a fourth.   As I carried this, keeping it balanced on each arm, I thought that this counted as weight-bearing exercise.  As I walked around there and later at the grocery and as I put things away, more exercise.   A couple of weeks ago, these might have been inconveniences, but my mindset is changing, a little at least.  

In a while, I'm cooking with those veggies I bought at the FM.   This will be dinner tonight and lunch tomorrow (and maybe Tuesday).  Planning ahead, preparing ahead, these will keep me from straying.

But I also want to prepare for the occasional unplanned moment. 

And I want to eat out at least a couple of times a week.  This won't be fast food.   It'll be a delicious meal.  Yesterday, I had my favorite black bean burger, the best in town, with a side salad.  Last Tuesday,  clam and veggies in rice at a Thai restaurant.  And on Monday, a day off, a portabella sandwich with a side salad.   I'm developing a new mindset there, too.  Each change in mindset opens the door to more changes.

"Today's decisions are tomorrow's realities."

New Habits

August 5, 2017

Saturday.  Farmers' Market day.   This was my third Saturday in a row.  The man I buy tomatoes from remembers me now.  He should; I buy a canvas bag full of tomatoes from him every week.  They're mostly heirloom with a few hybrid and all so delicious.   This tomato-fest started about three weeks ago when a co-worker gave me a couple of tomatoes, starting my no-tomato-left-behind eating plan.  He even brought me a dozen small tomatoes this past week.  They were some of the sweetest tomatoes I've ever had in my entire life.  For a while, I've eaten very few store-bought tomatoes, and I'm thinking I'll just forego them this winter, waiting for spring and summer's bounty. 

I've bought other things at the FM, too.  Wedges of local cheese, fresh-baked wheat bread, locally made soap (avocado!), a muffin, roasted pecans...and today eggplant, peppers, cucumbers, onions, and eggs. 

A friend has indicated she wants to go with me on a Saturday soon, and I suggested we plan to have breakfast there.  She's in.

After taking everything home today, I went to the grocery and bought berries and nuts and seeds and other things I cannot buy at the FM. 

My fridge is full of good food.  My pantry is full of good food.  Tomorrow, I'm cooking some dish with the veggies.  It's going to be so colorful.  Yellow, brown, red, orange, green, and even purple (peppers!).  It's also going to be very tasty.

On Monday, I'm going to stock my desk with good food, trying to be better at planning breakfast, lunch, and a snack when I need a pick-up.  The grocery next to my office has become crutch.  It's a little expensive and is somewhat limited in healthy choices, but near the end of this month it'll close for more than two months.  I will miss it as a place to escape for a few minutes, but I need to break my dependency on it, especially regarding bad choices.  The closing will help me (force me to) plan better.   

I am at a coffee shop right now, and this is the first coffee I've had in a week.  I'd noticed that I use coffee as another crutch, and I don't mind doing that on a rare occasion, but not daily.  I'm hoping to start moving my body more soon, and with that will come more-restful sleep and with that a lesser need for a coffee (or sugar) boost. 

It's early, but my mindset is changing.  It's not like I wasn't eating healthy-ish, but now this has been elevated significantly.  Tomorrow, I'll share another mindset change I noticed today, subtle, but hopefully it's a sign of things to come.

Alkaline vs. Acidic

August 4, 2017

I'm rereading Kris Carr's fabulous book, Crazy Sexy Diet.  Kris was diagnosed with a rare and incurable form of cancer in February 2003 (Stage IV), and she took this as an opportunity to change her life.  She studied nutrition and health with vigor, and she's shared what she learned about cancer in this book and in her video Crazy Sexy Cancer.  Today, Kris survives and thrives.

It's been my policy to learn from others and to be as preventive in my actions as possible.  This was why I read her book a number of years ago, why I've reread parts of it a number of times, and why I return to it now, having already been living much of it. 

One thing Kris shares is that our bodies need both alkaline and acidic foods.  But in our current American diet of lots of red meat, refined carbs, processed products, and sugar, we are heavy on the acidic side--and that's helping us become and stay heavy in our bodies.  She suggests an 80-20 diet where 80% of our foods are alkaline (lots of greens and raw veggies) and 20% acidic (we do need some) or, if not possible, then a 60-40. 

My diet hasn't been too far off from this with the major exception of sugar.  It's in so many foods, and I also have a sweet tooth.  I'm trying to reset that with a fast from desserts this month and I might continue it beyond.  A craving for sugar is insidious but breakable.  We can retrain our taste buds from sugary, salty, greasy to healthier tastes.  I already know this, but I also know that the beginning can be difficult.  And it'll lead to more energy, better health, and clearer skin.  Pass the greens.

Here's a bonus article.

Muscle and Skin Tone

August 3, 2017

When clicking around yesterday, I found this WebMD article.One thing I liked from it was a quote:

Work Your Muscles
You may not realize it, but you've built them up just by moving your extra weight around. And as you lose body fat, you want to keep those muscles. They burn fat and calories! But if you don't use them, you'll lose them.

This is encouraging, and the trick, I think from my other reading, is to continue to work one's muscles, especially to help with sagging skin.  This could be through walking and crunches and weight lifting.  Sagging skin happens, in part, when muscle is lost.

Another thing to keep in mind is skin care.  Natural soaps, face and body scrubs, and good lotions will help along the way.  Epsom salt baths and foot soaks, too. 

At first I thought it might be a bit early to be concerned about this, but then I realized, there's probably no such thing as being too early.

Today is day seven since I started taking the medication.  Slow changes are happening.  I'm on day three of no sweets.  I have three excellent days of keeping a food journal.  I'm planning ahead, a little at least.  Today, I made and brought a salad for lunch...lots of greens and berries, a little pepper cheese, and my favorite Green Goddess dressing. 

One day at a time...

Today's Decisions...

August 2, 2017

I'm having dinner out with friends tonight, and while I plan to make wise choices then, I decided to eat well the rest of the day to give myself some leeway.   I brought some fruit from home with me to work but didn't have time to prepare a good lunch or breakfast.  This morning, I ate a little fruit but needed more.  There's a grocery next door to my office, so mid-morning I went there and bought a packet of tuna salad (100 calories) to put on half a flatbread (70) for brunch, and for later a can of veggie soup (160) to which I'll probably add the other flatbread half (70).  Mostly these are healthy choices, with the exception of the sodium in the soup, but progress not perfection is my motto. 

Yesterday was a week since the doctor's appointment.  I'm still feeling hopeful.  The medication hasn't given me many side effects, and I do think overall my cravings are less.  Hopefully my body will get used to this jump start and react favorably. 

"Today's decision are tomorrow's realities," according to Tim Storey.  Today, I'm making better choices about what I put into my body.

Holding On

August 1, 2017

Last night, a friend posted on her Facebook page a link to an essay/article about how one person changed his life.

This reminded me of The Incredible Shrinking Critic, a book I read about a decade ago. 

In both the book and essay, after changed the writer experiences not just better health, but also revelations about what they own and where they live.  This connection between excess weight and clutter makes me think something more is happening than just food and calories, but rather a correlation about holding on, holding on to a need for excess food, holding on to material things, holding on to emotional baggage.

But around the corner of letting to is a grand life, one that contains better choices and ease.  The journey to get there might be long and arduous, but if one remains open, it can also be a great adventure.

City Energy, Self Care, Art, and Dessert

July  31, 2017

I took the day off and drove an hour south of my small city for some big-city energy.

First, I pursued some self care with a hair cut.  My hair isn't super thick,  but it felt incredibly heavy after a longer period than usual between cuts.  Ahhh.  It feels great now.

After that, art, art, art!  I have a membership at the art museum in that city, and there were four new exhibits.   I took many notes and found so much inspiration for my own art and writing.   This was a feeding of my soul and intellect.

Lunch was in the art museum's cafe.   Portabella mushroom sandwich and a side salad with strawberry vinaigrette dressing.  Healthy and yummy. 

I took a more-scenic route back to my small city.  The drive both ways opened my mind as car rides often do. 

Finally,  I had sliced tomatoes for dinner tonight and a slice of strawberry  cake.  I had ice cream earlier.   I have not indulged in sweets as much lately, and I'm finding these very rich.  After today, and the reason for this indulgence, I plan at least a 30-day fast from desserts.  I've done this before,  between Thanksgiving and Christmas in 2012.  I might go longer.  It's time I deal with my sugar issue.

Good advice.

July 30, 2017

Today's decisions are tomorrow's realities.

--Tim Storey

Today, I'm making good decisions.