Hunger, Part 1

August 22, 2017

Last Saturday, a friend joined me at the Farmers' Market, and we had breakfast there--mine was an egg and cheese on sourdough sandwich.  This happened around ten o'clock.  Later, we met at Starbucks, and I had a frapp.  Hours later, we went to Ruby Tuesday for dinner; it was probably after six o'clock.  I didn't know how hungry I was until I went to the salad bar, even before placing my order with the server.  I'll rephrase that, my body didn't know, but my mind somehow did.  My stomach hadn't growled, and I hadn't had other signals.  It was only when I started eating that I physically recognized that I was famished.  How can that be? 

I found a hunger scale from 1 to 10 at Web MD and share it here:

1—Starving, weak, dizzy

2—Very hungry, cranky, low energy, lots of stomach growling

3—Pretty hungry, stomach is growling a little

4—Starting to feel a little hungry

5—Satisfied, neither hungry nor full

6—A little full, pleasantly full

7—A little uncomfortable

8—Feeling stuffed

9—Very uncomfortable, stomach hurts

10—So full you feel sick

They suggest eating at a 3 or 4 and certainly not waiting until reaching a 2, let alone a 1. 

I think one reason I didn't notice my hunger Saturday evening, and I should have been hungry, was that I was in my mind and not focused on my body.  This is a signal for me to check in with it more often.  Also, scheduling meals will help. 

The good news is I have made enough changes already to eat healthy foods and even took leftovers home.  But paying attention to hunger, not fearing it, is something I'm getting used to.

Portion Size and Unconscious Eating

August 21, 2017

I'm reading labels more now and paying attention to portion size.  Talk about sticker shock!  A light shines above my head now about how I've eaten far too much, and often without thinking.  I caught myself nibbling one day last week, and I stopped and said, What is going on?  And I realized a problem was in my head but not consciously so.  That was why I ate.  I was getting hungry, too, so I dealt with the problem and prepared a meal.

One night last week I cooked some Trader Joe's pasta.  The bag indicated it contained six servings, but I adjusted this to four and calculated the calories.  In the future, I'm only cooking a third or half a bag because I don't want to have pasta for days, no matter how good it is.  Yesterday, I cooked some Trader Joe's rice.  I measured out what was indicated to be four servings, and when cooked adjusted that to three.  I had some yesterday and have some for lunch today and then tomorrow.  In time, I'm going to probably go to the serving size indicated, but I'm okay with this for now because my meals are fairly simple.  I don't do several courses at home, but instead usually have only one item--like today rice with beans, guacamole (a good fat and in a premeasured container), and salsa.  I brought a bowl of veggies and will spoon some of those on top.  Because the beans are also a carb (and a protein), I probably could have had the regular size serving of rice.  I'll consider that next time.

Portion size has a learning curve, and I'm in the early stages of that.  Overall, though, I think I'm getting it. 

Being Prepared

August 20, 2017

In order to eat healthy, I have to be prepared.  This has been a major downfall for me in the past.   Here's what I've done to help.

I've been to the Farmers' Market every Saturday morning for five or six weeks.

I've been to the grocery all weeks but one.

My fridge is full of fruits and vegetables and healthy foods.

My pantry has healthy choices.   Rice, pasta, beans...

I'm cooking and making enough for leftovers.

I'm taking my lunch with me to work some days, and my desk is stocked with food and snacks.  The drawer is neat, making it easy for me to find food when needed.  I'm fortunate also that there's a fridge to use, and a microwave if I need it, though I seldom use one and don't have a microwave at home anymore.  (The stove top and oven work just fine.)

This takes time and effort, but hopefully new habits are forming and in a short time this will all be routine.

Forward.

Goals

August 19, 2017

I'm a goal setter.  But I don't weigh (that's a long story for another time) and I cannot receive frequent updates of my health statistics.  In fact, it'll be late November or so before I have either of those.  And that's probably good for me actually, so I'm not ultra focused on the numbers, taking my highs and lows from incremental changes.  So, as I go along, how do I measure or recognize change?  There are a few ways, I believe:

Clothes:  This includes fit of current clothes at intervals.  Like many people, I have a variety of sizes, mostly abandoned over time.  I'm estimating when I might be able to wear those if all goes well.   I especially have a long-sleeved, green t-shirt that I hope to be able to wear in late fall or early winter.  It's my main article of clothing to try on for measurement and has been for a while.  Once it fits, I'll wear it, and then I'll designate something else to be used as measurement through winter/early spring. 

Energy:  I think this is increasing a bit already.

Clarity:  This might be a surprise on the list, but I feel it belongs here, and I feel it happening already.  I find myself doing things ahead of time when I wasn't.  I'm planning a little better than I was, but I did improve on this about a year ago, when I felt like I drowned in minute details.  For more, I plan to add meditation on a more-regular basis to my toolbox in the near future.

Movement:  As I feel my body get a little easier to move, as it fits places better, I'll celebrate this.  And my plan at this point is to start to move my body more in September.  For one thing, the return of my part-time job means I'll stand and walk two to three hours every afternoon two days a week.  I want to add a little more time another two days, maybe three.  I've considered buying a Varidesk for my full-time office but haven't yet due to cost and also a concern.

Healthy food:  I find myself making better choices and passing on poor ones, and this seems a little easier every week.

As far as the numbers go, I have set some hopes for where those come in when I return to the doctor in November.  I am very fortunate that my health statistics aren't as bad as one might expect.  I credit this to good genes and good choices, including no meat other than poultry and seafood for decades and only seafood since December 31, 2011.  With the changes I'm making and even about a 10-15% decrease in weight, my numbers will be better in line.  I'm not looking for a miracle, but I do want improvement.

So, this woman who has spent many years of her life looking at the numeric details and statistics will set goals from one doctor's visit to another, and many of those will have nothing to do with the numbers.  This is new territory, but I head into it with lots of hope.

Out of Places to Hide

August 18, 2017

Last February 28, I received amazing news:  I'd won an award!  This great news had an underlying tremor as there would be two receptions and a dinner in April.  I'd need to, have to, want to show up.  But there would be cameras.  I've hidden from cameras a long time now.

I somehow made it through, figuring out clothes and shoes and jewelry.   I basked in the honor.  I smiled for the cameras, though inside I endured.  And I decided something had to change.   I want a large life.  I want to stop hiding.

The Universe agreed, and that award led to another award.  Today, I stood in front of thousands of people and accepted that award.  I endured a little more easily because I'm making changes in my life. 

What I Won't Say

There are two words I won't say on my blog, or at least I won't say them much. 

These words, diet and exercise, are wrought with much negative energy and uncomfortable feelings for me, and I believe for many people. 

I use substitute words.  For diet, words like eating healthy.  That seems more positive and certainly less restrictive that the word "diet."  So, I'll be using "diet" when talking about the past and sometimes in its traditional sense, about a way of eating.  But most of the time, I'll use other language.

Exercise isn't quite as charged a word, but for me it evokes unfulfilled promises to myself.  It also seems narrow in scope.  I'll instead use words like moving my body.  That can mean everything from traditional exercise like running or the gym to helping unload boxes at work as I did a week ago.  I might use "exercise" in the same way I may use "diet," and I also might use it to indicate equipment or videos.  But again, most of the time, I'll use other language.

These may seem simple semantics, but in this endeavor to change my life and my health, I won't underestimate the power of words.

Stress

August 16, 2017

Some shit hit the fan today, and I made it through without cake or ice cream, so far at least.  The worst I did was reach for a few sunflower seeds (out of the shell already), and though I recognized it as stress eating, I'm not beating myself up over it.  I probably needed a snack right then anyway.  To calm myself, I chatted with a friend on Facebook, I worked, and then I took a break to write and listen to meditation music. 

One part of the stress has ended pretty well.  The other I have no idea, and while I want to say I'm ready for anything, I'm not sure I am.  If it ends badly, it'll be very sad. 

But the day comes to an end, and I'm headed to run one errand and then home to read and fold laundry, maybe catch this week's episode of Game of Thrones once again, and take a nice long shower to wash the day from my body. 

Eat/Feel

August 15, 2017

"Eat what you want when you're hungry; feel your feelings when you're not."
--Geneen Roth, Women, Food, and God

Don't you love it when someone says something so simply? 

Of course, for some of us, figuring out the type of hunger we're feeling can be the challenge.

Faith

August 14, 2017

I forgot to post yesterday.  It was a busy day, and I was on the road and out of my element.  I received good news regarding a permanent, long-term health condition that has nothing to do with weight, so it was a good day.

The thought of faith entered my mind when I was thinking that I'm seeing no results.  In the next thought, though, I knew I was doing things differently, better.  I ate fairly healthy foods already, but I am more conscious of that now and make even better choices.  I'm still on my dessert fast.  And I'm opening my eyes to portion control. 

I'm not, however, seeing results yet, but faith is believing when not seeing.  It'll take a while for clothes to become loose or the numbers to come back from the doctor (late November).  For now, I have action--and I have faith.

A Whole Universe

August 13, 2017

"There is a whole universe to discover between 'I'm feeling empty' and turning to food to make it go away."
--Geneen Roth,  Women Food and God

I was clearing clutter on my laptop when I heard this on an audio book at a favorites coffee shop yesterday aftermoon.  I'd just had a good lunch and felt satisfied, and then Geneen's words stopped me.  I've had a few moments of clarity on this.  Take a walk.  Drink water.  Talk with someone.   Pray.   Meditate.  But I want more.  I want the full spectrum.

Clutter

August 12, 2017

I'm cleaning up clutter on my computers.  Files that have sat there for a while on one are being sent to the computer where they belong.  This is taking a bit of time because I'm trying to put them into a reasonable order as I send them (via email--long story and unimportant). I sent 38 such emails this week, and I just opened those emails and saved the attached files, probably averaging about seven per email, to my computer.  I'm usually good at organizing, especially files. 

For the last four years, there's one area of my life where I had one massive folder with dozens of files and had to search for what I wanted.  Most of the time, that was easy enough, but one problem is that some files are on one computer and updated versions on another.  But I am now organizing these.  Part of the reason for this was I came into this situation four years ago, and it demanded immediate attention along with having a somewhat steep learning curve, all while still working on an advanced degree.  Then after graduation, I started a full-time job but still had this situation.  I was sometimes just keeping my head above water.  Another part was I didn't know how long the situation would last.  It seemed wasteful to organize files I might not ever access again.  But six months turned into another six months and now it's time to organize this part of my life.  After I get all of those files on the right computer, another project to be completed over the next couple of weeks, I can make good time on organizing on the correct computer.  This will help with stress on this endeavor over the next six months and beyond, if I'm fortunate to continue. 

There is, I believe, a correlation between clutter and excess weight, and this desire to clean up clutter is a positive sign.  And it doesn't matter that the clutter is electronic.  I spend a lot of my waking hours on a computer, dealing with email and files and communicating with others.  I also use a computer for my creative writing work and journaling.  Clutter on my computers ranks alongside clutter in my home and on my desk. 

Clutter and excess weight often happen because of a lack of paying attention, because of something being ignored or a person going numb to it.  And now, seeing and dealing with them indicate an awakening I'm glad to welcome.