A New Year

A lot has happened in the four months and ten days since I last wrote here.  I got off track some, but I did learn yesterday, when at the doctor's office, that I'd lost ten pounds since my appointment in late July.  Much of the lab news was good, save one number, which might have gone up because of my missing one medication far too often.  I'm fixing that problem now and hope for better news in late May.  And I'm taking the ten-pound loss as a sign that I can lose weight, because I really haven't tried over the last few months.  In fact, there were times I didn't try at all. 

I'm going to catch up here.

• In the fall, more and more of my time went to preparing that lecture I'd mentioned here.  Once I arrived at the event, I realized how ambitious I'd been.  But I did present it in mid-November, and it went well.  This was a win.
• I've been working on some shorter fiction pieces and submitting.  Though I'm not getting much accepted, the rejection letters are the kind one wants to read, if one must receive those:  We enjoyed this; we want to read more of your work.
• I was sick in late November, and I didn't take a lot of my meds.  In addition, for a few weeks, I ate tons of Tootsie Roll Pops.  At 60 calories each sucker, ouch.  But they did keep me from gagging as I coughed and worked in ways even medication didn't, so there's that.
• I had quite a few sweets around Christmas, but I've been pretty good since.
• I went to New York City in mid-December.  While there, I walked and walked.  Yes, I got achy, but I endured.  Oh how I love that city!
• I spent five hours (mostly standing) at the 9/11 Museum.  If you've read my previous posts, you'll know this was very important to me.  I'd been to the temporary museum in 2007.
• I'm still writing daily.
  
  I feel better about things and not so stuck anymore.  And more changes are coming, I believe:
• This summer, my project will be to work on a bedroom that needs clearing of clutter.  I hope to make it into an art studio after.
• I'm working on short stories and that novel I want to finish.  I'd like a draft done by the end of May and then to edit over the summer.
• I'm about to return to querying for another novel.

Hungry (from D. Robin Smith)

September 16, 2017

An excerpt from Hungry by Dr. Robin Smith:

• I’m hungry for real love—not crumbs I try to call a meal.
• I’m hungry to have my gift and talents truly appreciated by those I work with.
• I’m hungry to be beautiful and sexy and not a Barbie doll for a man.
• I’m hungry for passion and great sex that is worthy of my mind, body, and spirit.
• I’m hungry to not have to play small when my spirit and dreams are big.
• I’m hungry to be brave and not let fear drive my life.
• I am hungry to know I am loved and am irrevocably a child of God.
• I’m hungry to be me.

What A Week!

September 16, 2017

It was quite a week, beginning with the 9/11 anniversary.  It feels odd to explain to people that the terrorist attack still feels fresh and raw to me on the anniversary date, but I do say that here because there are people who don't remember it and others who have found, somehow, to let it go.  So, that was the start to the week. 

Then on Tuesday night, after being gone for twelve hours for work and errands, I came home to find a crazy situation.  A heavy picture had fallen to the space between my headboard and the wall.  On the way, it disconnected a plugged-in power strip and in the process removed the outlet's plate and half the "box."  This looked very dangerous to me, and it was late and at the end of a long day.  I reached out on Facebook, to my brother by text, and even called an electrician.  The advice I received was to not plug anything into the one remaining socket and to not let anything touch this.  I moved the mattress and all pillows and linens away from it and slept on the sofa.  The next morning at 8 a.m., the electrician arrived.  In the end, it was all okay, but a fiasco that took time.

On Thursday, I decided to treat myself to lunch out.  One of the things I'm learning is that I need to do this sometimes during the week (not just the weekend), for good food and flavor, and so I did.  I took my laptop with me, planning a writing lunch.  This was something I looked forward to, as I'd returned to a writing project that week and even written on that novel the night before after a writing group meeting.  So at the restaurant I ordered my usual and then turned on my laptop.  After a bit, it occurred to me that it was not booting.  I did a hard boot, and I got the dreaded screen that something was wrong.  I did work through this, not just there (wasting the entire hour) but once back at my office as well, and it resolved itself--I think, I hope.  That night I spent most of the evening backing up files and planning a way to be safe, in case this is a bigger problem or in case something else happens.  A friend said she'd become lax at this in recent weeks.  I think most of us do.  The good news would have been that I wouldn't have lost a lot as I'd backed up all files on May 31 to a passport and had most other projects in some retrievable place--files on flash drives and in emails, music on my Amazon account and phone.  My journal, a Word file, was the biggest concern as I didn't have a newer backup of it. 

So, there were stressful situations this past week, and I did not blog every day.  I did, however, deal with each problem as it came along, and I saw the good.  My house was okay.  I found a reliable electrician.  I had him look at four other outlets while there, as the labor costs were already pretty much sunk.  My computer is working.  My files are backed up.  I've ordered a 128gb flash drive to supplement my passport and a number of other flash drives (16 and 32 gb).  I even put some podcasts on a couple of flash drives with tiny memories, and I plan to listen to those in the car and then reload. 

Last Saturday, I bought the desk I wanted for my bedroom.  On Sunday, I spent time cleaning and setting up in there.  Though a couple of weeks earlier than usual, I changed my coverlet and other linens to fall/winter ones.  I even flipped rugs.  I'm set up for fall and to write the novel in this cocoon.  I also this past week gathered materials for my lecture project, which approaches fast. 

I may not be blogging daily over these next few weeks, or I may.  Time will tell.  But I'm going to catch up a bit now by posting about a file I found on my computer this week. 

Planning

September 14, 2017

I had a meeting after work last night, and the soup I'd had mid-day had moved far from my system even before the meeting started.  The meeting was fantastic but went past our previous latest ending time.  By the end, I was weak from lack of nourishment.  Even during, I felt that daze.

This was a learning experience, and I need to be better prepared in two weeks when we meet again.  In the past, I've had a more-substantial lunch on that day, but I didn't yesterday because my time near lunch was taken by a meeting, for which I was stood up.  I probably need to guard and plan lunch time on days when this meeting takes place.  Another idea might be to bring a snack with me.  I wish I had time and could have dinner, but at best I have about 40 minutes between finishing work and when the meeting starts.  In reality, I seldom have that much time between as I don't get away from my duties on time many days, and I also don't want to be late for the meeting so often run five to ten minutes early. 

I'll figure it out, but yesterday was a wake-up call.

Sugar and Stress

September 12, 2017


I'm feeling overwhelmed this morning.  I have a project that must be ready in two months and five days, and I'm feeling afraid I'll fail and let people down and let myself down.  And that makes me want to stuff my face, especially with something sweet. 

This is a repeat pattern, and I must deal with it.  I'm going to have stress, and I am not going to stop putting myself out there in challenging situations.  It's the only way, in my opinion, for me to grow.

Based on past experience, I suspect I'll make this deadline and not just that, I suspect I'll shine.  But I've started later than I'd planned, and I feel behind and overwhelmed by the task.  So, I now have a list of things to do, and I've done the preliminary work of gathering books from my shelves and e-books, plays, and scripts from the Internet.  I've also requested other books and movies from the library and will pick those up today.  Then, I truly start and pace myself. 

One thing I need to remember:  This is a fun project.  Yes, it's work, but I get to read novels, to read plays, to read screenplays, and to watch a couple of movies.  And some of the novels and all of the plays are classics by folks like Shakespeare and Austen.  I don't want to miss the fun of this.  And if I have to take a day or two off from work, I will.  I'll also forego a few more things along the way, for example, waiting to go to the museum for a new exhibit and waiting to read most other books of fiction (though a favorite author's book is being released in October, and I hope to squeeze that one in).  I might listen to creative nonfiction in my car, and I will be writing.  Always, I will write.

Part of me likes the cocoon I'm entering.  I've missed this kind of focus, and I want to carry it forward with a writing project beginning about a month after the lecture.

I'll make an assessment every week about where I am and what is left to do to make the deadline.  And I'm hoping the work and success tamp down the urge to eat sugar.

9/11

Yesterday, on the 16th anniversary, I remembered.

Sugar, Part IV

September 10, 2017

Some things that help me stay away from sweets.

1.  Not getting too Hungry.
2.  Not getting too Angry.
3.  Not getting too Lonely.
4.  Not getting too Tired.

HALT.

Some of my best ways to steer clear of deserts and candy are to eat healthy and when hungry, to deal with emotions, to see friends and family, and to get rest and sleep.  I don't crave something sweet as much when these are in a good place.

Sugar, Part III

September 10, 2017

I had part of a piece of a friend's birthday pie last night.  It was good, especially the whipped cream.   I've had no sugar today, except in fruit.  There have been moments when I wanted to give in.  Though it's been a pretty good few days regarding sweets, I recognize my propensity to choose sugar too often.

Sugar, Part II

September 8, 2017

I think I've worked most of the excess sugar from my tissues and cells.  Though I only had five hours of sleep last night, I felt better waking up than yesterday morning after a full night of sleep.  And I'm more alert.

One of the things I noticed, especially on Wednesday, was that under the control of sugar, I got sluggish, unfocused.  I also felt sad and mildly depressed.  There was something bothering me, but I usually find a solution or let it go and allow my subconscious time to work on the problem.  I did this, but it took longer than usual and the negative feelings that had wrapped around me came off in layers, too slowly. 

So, I'm turning to research once again and just read about a UCLA study where they found that too much sugar "hinders learning and memory by literally slowing down the brain."  In addition, "over-consumed fructose...damaged synaptic activity in the brain, meaning that communication among brain cells was impaired."  So, this is your brain; this is your brain on sugar.  Seriously.

And then there's that part about mental health:  "Sugar-rich and carb-laden foods can also mess with the neurotransmitters that help keep our moods stable."  There's also an "increased risk for developing depression, compared to those who eat a whole foods diet that’s lower in sugar."  The article goes on to mention a sugar link with age-related cognitive decline, Alzheimer's disease, and dementia.  I can't even...

I have gone through periods with lots of sugar, and now I wonder how much that has impacted my life and life's work.  In addition, it sugar might have a stronger impact on me now that I'm older.  I have long wanted to cut back but had only limited success.

I tend to need a reason for doing things.  I don't mind walking but walking for the sake of walking bores me.  If I have a destination, let's go.  Nearly six years ago I stopped drinking sodas, something I'll share in a few weeks.  I'd wanted to do this for a long time, and I had all the reasons, but finally what got me was when I figured out how much it cost to keep the habit.  In about a year, I'd save enough for a small trip.  I've quit eating beef, pork, poultry, and any meat but seafood.  In each of those cases, a reason that spoke to me appeared.

Maybe I'm finding my reason in today's research to slow down considerably on sugar.  In her book Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert writes about going through a heavy depression and the doctor wanting to prescribe medication.  Her major concern at that point was to not do harm to her mind.  That resonated with me, and I thought of it when reading about the brains impact on the mind, on my mind.  

Like with soda, though, I need to also look at the physical side of this, at craving and habit.

Sugar, Part I

September 7, 2017

When I woke this morning, my body felt like it had been filled with liquid lead that was solidifying.  I've had this feeling before, and I thought it was exhaustion.  Indeed, I was exhausted last night in my body and in my mind, neither of which could do or process one more thing.  I went to bed fairly early, hoping I'd get up early this morning and do some of the things I'd wanted to during that lost evening.  Instead I'd had something of a restless night, which followed another restless and too-brief night of sleep the evening before.  I couldn't get up early this morning, and I didn't want to get up at all.  As I stayed there in bed, I thought, I haven't felt this exhausted in a while, what's going on? 

And an answer came to me:  sugar.

I wrote here yesterday about having far too many Peanut Butter M&Ms the day before, even eating more as I typed those words.  I finally took the bag to the break room, or I know I'd have finished the whole thing yesterday.  So, I was thinking this morning that I'd had a bad day followed by a somewhat-bad day, but then I remembered Monday (Labor Day).  I'd gone to Starbucks and had a frapp, but I was tired of my light/skinny so did something different, adding white chocolate.  As warned by the barista, it was very sweet--which I loved.  Also that day, I ate Indian food and had both naan and white rice.  I almost always now have wheat/brown when it comes to bread, rice, and pasta.  So, after consideration, I'm counting three days of sugar. 

But my body and my mind counted it first--in physical exhaustion, in mental exhaustion, and in a heaviness that has nothing to do with weight.

Kristin Kirkpatrick, M.S., R.D., L.D. lists Ten Things You Don't Know About Sugar in her blog.  They are:

1. Sugar can damage your heart.
2. Sugar specifically promotes belly fat.
3. Sugar is the true silent killer.
4. Sugar may be linked to cancer production and may effect cancer survival.
5. Your sugar “addiction” may be genetic.
6. Sugar and alcohol have similar toxic liver effects on the body.
7. Sugar may sap your brain power.
8. Sugar hides in many everyday “non-sugar” foods.
9. An overload of sugar (specifically in beverages) may shorten your life.
10. Sugar is making us fat.

That's a lot, and over the next few days, I'm going to examine my relationship with sugar.  It's a love affair that needs to transform or even end.

Today, though, I'm going to do what I can, which is stay away from sugar and drink lots of water to flush the excess sugar from my cells and tissue.  Today, I'll pay the price of three too-much sugar days.

A Step Back

September 6, 2017

Peanut butter M&Ms did me in yesterday.  The problem wasn't that I had a few.  It was that I had too many. 

But I'm not beating myself up.  The rest of the day, I stuck with my plan.  And today, other than some PBM&Ms already, I will, too.

What's left of this bag of candy is going away from my desk as soon as a report I need to print is ready.

Two steps forward and one back is still forward motion.

Fall: A New Beginning

September 5, 2017

It's the day after Labor Day, which often means the first day of school and a return to "normal" from summer.  Even though that was never the case for me (both grades 1-12 and college started about seven to ten days before the end of August), Labor Day has still always seemed a dividing point between before and after, with after being a more studious, serious side.  I actually preferred the after and the beginning of my favorite season, fall. 

So, in honor of new beginnings, I offer this, which I found more than a decade ago in a book by Debbie Ford. These words are a great reminder that we sometimes block ourselves from our dreams, that it's okay to go after our dreams, and that our dreams aren't for us only.  What good we have in life is meant to be shared with others. 

Debbie Ford's Morning Routine:

• Take a moment of silence and meditation, and give yourself permission to have all that you desire.
• Tell yourself that it is safe for you to fulfill your heart's wishes.
• Remember where you want to go, why you want to go there, and what will be waiting for you when you arrive.  Allow yourself to imagine how you will feel, how you will look, and how others will be inspired by you when your vision is fulfilled.
• Think about all the opportunities you will have during the coming day to make choices that support the fulfillment of your goals and dreams.

Carpe diem!

Clearing the Slate

September 4, 2017

For about an hour this morning, I dusted the furniture in my house with Method polish, swiped TV screens and my laptop screen with special wipes, hand-washed a few dishes, cleaned the kitchen sink with Method All-Purpose spray, cleaned the kitchen island and counter tops, picked up a bit of clutter and organized, and ran a load of laundry (but it's still not dried).  That leaves the bathrooms (one much easier than the other) and floors throughout the house.  I have a new broom and plan to sweep some recent drama out the door.

My house doesn't get to the point of being filthy, but I can live with a certain level of dust that my mother cannot.  Messiness bothers me more than dirt actually.  I work two jobs and write, and if something has to give, it's housekeeping.  I'm entering a long period of my life.  Over the next three months, I will have two jobs, including teaching part time.  I will research, write, practice, and ultimately give a lecture at the MFA program from which I graduated.  And I plan to return to the novel I was going to work on this summer, but then a short story and a chapter in a former novel called my name.  I also spent time working on my home office, clearing away some papers, organizing, and setting it up to be more functional.  It's time to return to the writing I'd planned and the lecture project.

The next two and a half months will be very busy and focus is necessary. Other than cleaning, I' spent the past week and this weekend working on some stray ends.  Starting with a clean slate in more ways that one is an excellent beginning.

Bring it, Fall!

An Anniversary

September 3, 2017

I had an anniversary this week and wrote about it on Thursday evening.
 

After a horrible summer of almost no writing in 2014, I found my way back, gently.

Here's a link.

Hunger, Part XII

September 2, 2017

I'll close the "Hunger" series with a quote:

“The story of my life is wanting, hungering, for what I cannot have or, perhaps, wanting what I dare not allow myself to have.”
― Roxane Gay, Hunger
 
I am thinking this is the hunger that underlies many hungers.  It's the hunger of wanting what we cannot have or do not have.  But then really, because we think we cannot have, we do not try.  If we try, we think, and if we fail, then the possibility to which we cling dies.

I've realized I've been doing this.  About three months ago, a friend did a chakra reading for me using various Tarot and Oracle cards.  After this, I came to a deeper understanding of this problem inside me.  I thought I knew I could have more, but if I did know this, I wasn't acting like it.  Was it that there was always tomorrow (a lie) or that I feared being denied my dream, and then what would I do if the dream was murdered by a no, if my hope of it was shattered?

Since then, I've been studying why I'm not going after my dreams and doing so more.  I submitted a proposal to give a lecture.  And it was accepted.  I started this blog and started eating healthy.  A month in, that's going well, in my opinion, despite concrete evidence of having lost weight as of yet.  I don't weigh, and it's too soon to see much loss in clothing.  But I do have more energy, and I'm proud of myself for not letting myself down.  These were two wants. 

As Roxane said, “I often tell my students that fiction is about desire in one way or another. The older I get, the more I understand that life is generally the pursuit of desires. We want and want and oh how we want. We hunger.”

Hunger isn't the enemy.  It's the guiding light to salvation.

Click here for more quotes from Roxane Gay's Hunger.

Hunger, Part XI

September 1, 2017

Deprivation can cause hunger in its own way.  Deprivation can cause trouble, in anything.  Deprivation can turn craving into a monster. We often want what we tell ourselves we cannot have (often as opposed to what we may not have).

I struggled with this in August.  At the end of July, I decided to change my relationship to sweets and sugar by not eating dessert-type for 30 days.  That included cake, ice cream, frozen yogurt, cookies, candy, pudding, pie, and chocolate.  There were days when this was harder than others.  Also, as I read more about food and eating, I read that deprivation is connected to the diet industry, and I didn't want to fall into that trap.  Still, I persisted, but this was more to keep a promise to myself than to deprive myself.

As I move forward, will I perhaps make some other guideline for myself, such as once or twice a week?  I'm not sure.  But I do want to be careful about deprivation, because with food and other things, that can lead to a rabbit hole I do not wish to visit.

Today, I am having Peanut Butter M&Ms.  The unopened package has been in my desk for about a week.  I've measured out what I'll eat, and I'm eating slowly.  The candy is tasting rich to me, richer than I remember. Welcome back, chocolate.

Hunger, Part X

August 31, 2017

Craving has a bad reputation, and some of that is deserved, but when really studied, it's an important part of hunger. 

A couple of months ago I met a friend at a restaurant that serves food native to India.  We had a lovely dinner, staying for three and a half hours, eating amazing food, catching up.  For weeks after, I kept thinking about returning to the place, but it is on the other side of town from my office and just didn't work out.  Finally, two weeks ago, I was off from work, and I thought, I want to go there.  And I did.  This satisfied my craving, and while I'll go back as soon as possible, I don't think of the food almost daily now.

Craving is sometimes a message from our bodies about something it needs.  A few weeks ago, a co-worker gave me two tomatoes.  They were so sweet and delicious, and I wanted more, so I went to the Farmers' Market again after a few years of missing it because I couldn't seem to get my behind out the door on Saturday morning before starting the rest of my day.  Over this time, I've bought pounds and pounds of tomatoes.  They sometimes went into dishes I cooked, but most of them were sliced and eaten as they were (maybe a bit of sea salt).  A friend told me my body might be craving iron from them, and she may have been right.  I also think I craved the deliciousness of real tomatoes, not the tasteless things that pass for them at the grocery.  My body craved their goodness, including taste and nutrition. 

Craving is hard to ignore and best not to sometimes, at least for very long, because it can turn into a binge (and hence the bad rep).  I want to be careful and not get into the diet industry's words here, but by this I mean something out-of-control or over-the-top.  If I crave something for a few days, I'm trying now to have it within a reasonable time and quantity. 

Tomorrow, I'll write about deprivation, which can turn craving into a monster. 

Hunger, Part IX

August 30, 2017

Last night I saw a documentary about Wendell Berry's work and what has happened to farmers in America.  I'm not a farmer or even a gardener.  One summer two decades ago, I grew tomatoes and flowers, and I'll admit that  I grew to resent the time that took from my other passions.  I do sometimes wonder, though, if I might take more interest later in life like my father did after his retirement.  Until he physically couldn't any longer, he grew tomatoes all summer, one crop after another off his carport.  And he grew beautiful flowers.  I do respect farmers and gardeners, and I, as readers know, am back to supporting my local farmers' market.  I still hope the family farm can be saved, and I know part of that will come with renewed respect for the land. 

I'm a person of contradiction.  I love cities and cannot live in a rural area, but I realized last night that I have made a great compromise.  My home is in a small city and is generally very quiet inside, but I travel to one of two larger cities (one is an hour's drive away, the other two hours) several times a year, and this year I'm going back to New York City.  Circumstances have kept me from there for five long years, and I'm making that happen.  I get energy that will last me months, and I give my energy in return.  I'm also thinking I want to explore parks in my small city when temperatures cool.  When I lived in the largest of those two cities I mentioned, I visited a park there, fed the ducks, walked around the pond, sat in a swing and read.  I have recently remembered that and started missing it.  I don't think you'll read about me walking in the woods, however.  That scares me more than some side streets or the traffic in large cities.  ;-)

But hunger...

The images and words of the documentary, along with an ill-advised cup of coffee ordered too late in the day, kept me awake far past midnight and brought restless sleep.  I hungered for many things, including for quiet and peace, for the city I love and to travel to another city I want to visit so badly, and for the time and structure to do the work I truly wish to do.  These are not new hungers--this has been coming.  But last night this hunger, these needs (for they are needs, not wishes) burned, not in my stomach but in my soul.  Some of the work I'm doing now will allow the necessary changes, and in fact already does more than a year ago.  I'm starting to realize also why I need these in my life and how important satisfying these hungers is to my happiness.  This hunger, I think, is fueling my others, for in dealing with those, I create time for these.

Hunger, Part VIII

August 29, 2017

When the word hunger comes up, most of us think about a need for food, perhaps a dire need.  That's understandable.  It is, after all, the definition in the dictionary.  I read somewhere once that if you're not hungry enough to eat an apple, you're not hungry.  That's a great soundbite, but one shouldn't get so hungry that an apple, if not otherwise a favorite choice, is considered the only choice.  This isn't, in my opinion, a good measurement of hunger.

Today's blog isn't about the kind of hunger that gnaws at your insides.  It's about hunger for quality food, for food well-prepared with good ingredients.  While I cook a lot at home and am learning more about using spices and herbs, I still find my best meals in restaurants.  Recently I've tried two I'd never gone to.  One serves dishes native to India, the other Thailand.  Both were delicious. and I have or will return.  I also have a place that serves the best black-bean burger in town and another that has the best salad bar.  I don't tend to order salads when out.  I make a lot of those at home, and I've noticed that often the calorie and fat count in a restaurant salad rivals that of heartier food that will fill me up more.  With the salad bar I mentioned, though, I have a variety I cannot possibly carry in my home and can make good choices.

Restaurants get a lot of bad word regarding large portion size.  There are ways around this.  I can sometimes share a meal (though this is rare since I stopped eating most meat) or take leftovers home for lunch the next day.  This makes a restaurant less wasteful and cost prohibitive. 

But again, this kind of hunger is about eating something so good, my mouth is saying mmmmm before I've even put the fork inside my mouth (the nose already recognizes the quality).  To not feel deprived, to mix things up, I go to restaurants two to three times a week on average.  Having well-prepared, well-flavored foods served to me is a treat and a great pleasure. 

And along the way, I'm learning to cook more flavorable foods also.  Eating healthy shouldn't be deprived eating.

Hunger, Part VII

August 28, 2017


"My father believes hunger is in the mind.  I know differently.  I know that hunger is in the mind and the body and the heart and the soul."  --Roxane Gay, Hunger

This quote first came to me via a Facebook post.  Late yesterday, I came across it in the memoir.

Hunger, indeed, is in the mind and body and the heart and the soul.  And while it is often seen as bad, it's actually good.  Without hunger, we'd starve.  Without hunger, there would be no knowledge.  Without hunger, there would be no love and no deep truths.  It's when hunger is seen as something to fear, to fight, to hate, when it's ignored, that it's dark side shows.  But hunger listened to, hunger embraced, that can bring health and healing, happiness and even joy--and much light.